Saturday, November 04, 2006


Good morning saturday! from my previous post, to this, i haven't slept a wink!!
and i finally got over my final lab report 5 for this sem! 816 module. did it alone this time. but i think others did it alone too or maybe some didnt do it at all too? hmm. at least i got home to do it!!! YEAY!

its now 5:28am. and i was chatting till 3 am. so its been 2 hours since ..my friends went to bed and i had the radio for company.
when i finished the lab report at about 420, i looked at the clock and realised i'd been at work for about an hour. and was thankful i did not choose to flop into bed at 3. and not hand in the piece of work. a difference an hour and a little more makes. and yet in other times, 2 hours can just fly by and i /you never do anything at all! the big difference is with concentration. with concentration, anything can be done! all it takes is focus, i dunno about determination though.
basically, with concentration and a certain amountof focus and heart into any matter, i think it's possible to do Anything! ANYTHNG!

and concentration is so hard to find. in any random week, i think im only fully concentrated on anyone thing im doing, is about maybe 3 hours at most? of the whole week.

most other times even when i was doing my cs 102 project earleir this weeek, my mind wasn't fully on it. why am i so unsettled, mind wise? and actually in all other areas also..

one phrase to describe me since the beginning of this year is- all over the place- ALL over. sprawled, messy, disorganised, in bits and pieces, Everywhere. that's me this year. and what good will actually come out of that?

now that i finally leared 101's fren interview thing and 816, next would be the final cs102 essay, ESSAY! 0_0 due next week and then its exams. and then holidays.

2 weeks exam. and freedom.
how many times this sequence goes off in my head.


exams. i've looked at past year questions already. usually, the kiasu study a lot and very early students will do that. but i am different. ive only looked at it, got a shock and left it. that's me again. i do things halfway. which is a more structured way to say all over the place also. because the other 'half' is somewhere else too. get it?

am i gonna sleep? i don't know.

if i sleep. the next i will wake up is gonna be 11/12 o clock saturday afternoon. or 1-2 pm and then i worry next about ballet.

why do i approach everything with dread?

ok la, i still cant get last friday out of my head. when i bumemd around at home last night, i was thinking 'a week ago...'

it was a magical, surreal, wonderful, out-of-this-world-and-place with old people and familiarity. what it should be. the friendships. the great times. so wonderful. just looking at the photos and i can smile and grin, then laugh.

thanks really. to lilian anf faye and charle and whoever else who made it happen. it was a great treat for eevryone present from all the different lives we've gone on to live from where we left.

all of us gathered in that hall last friday.. have since, are considered to have already 'gone on our different paths' since the end of last year. in future, we'll just go on further and further out on our own individual tracks :( and separate. unless we draw back once in a blue moon ever so often to reunite and branch off again. but that takes effort and commitment.
in this fast paced age, no one minds anything anymore. effort and commitement seem 'medevial' (i didnt mean to give a word tt goes back THAT FAR back in time but couldnt think of anything else. 'traditional' would sound wrong. i actually wanna refer to the paper and pen age).

why do i not think or talk about those silly things i used to write about here. those little things i notice about things around me. or things i think about when in the toilet. those little discoveries which make life a little more interesting.

we need to go back to that and find it and never let it go.

i went to class 95 website and found this link to tell what's playing now and what will be playing next. and knowng what will happen next makes it hard to tear yourself away and just keep listening because, those songs i know, i like them and those i dunno the tite, im eager to find out what it is. and so it just goes on!

in a few minutes, it would be 6am. 5:49 now. i never sleep the whole night. what do i think i am?

but i like this. i like the night. do you know, i am one person who would rather spend the night and waste the day away? not exactly waste, but i rather take day naps and shoot out at night!

maybe the darkness makes it seem longer. and more used.

maybe it's not the night i crave. maybe its just the quietness and 'slow down' feeling i like to experience. when everyone and everything (wasnt sure which to put first, people or things) retreats and sleeps and then you can finally be on your own! to think on your own, do whatever you like!

but sometimes, its hard to get that, because you battle with drowsiness. im glad i didnt feel tired tonight. maybe its the light which keeps me awake. cos turning away for awhile and i broke into a yawn!

to fix your eyes will be what keeps me awake too. see asked me how i stay up late without coffee, i told her, you just stuff your eyeballs into the computer screen and stare and stare and you won't feel sleepy! but its different for watching. watching tv or movie will make you sleepy. maybe it's the concurrent staring and typing, that keeps the eyes fixed and mind focused that it just propels tyou on and on..

ok, let me check out and think through what's on for me tomorrow...
i will wake up late, go for ballet, and then dinner with family. dunno where yet. doesnt matter. then i spend a lovely relaxed saturday night, which i always love. then its sunday, and ss, and choir practice. oh. first sunday of the month. holy communion. its been a month since that dilemma talk. and urm. oops. benedict doesnt seem very at peace between him and God at this time of the month again. agh. the question of 'are you right with God'. and i won't feel so bad about starting school on monday, because there's no 102 lecture at 9am! so school's at 130! then evaluation for someone's group speech at 430.

and wow. i've gone on to monday.

i realised. i never ever live in the moment and enjoy it. im always on the go. on to something else before one is over. All Over the place? rings a bell?

and maybe that's another thing of what the night can offer, -ee yucks. marikita playing on radio.its 6am!- i didnt mean to say yucks. just that hearing it every morning for 12 years just makes me somewhat repulsed to it when i hear it. not against it though.

As i was saying. the night offers a slower pace and so, allows me to perhaps live briefly in the moment. living in the moment. living for the now. that's something i got to learn.

be conscious of my typing now, be conscious of my sleepinga little while later. and not jump my mind straight to the train ride and ballet class (oops just did!)

hai. maybe its the type of songs they play in the day on the radio. to make you awake and pump faster.
after the marikita song, a fast beat song started playing oh 'say what you will' by eric clapton. and then my nice night feeling dissipates. like thin air.

nehnehP.

oh then a slow song comes back 'i can't live if living is w/o you' clay aiken version.

im going to sleep now then. but i''ll stare out the window first before i hop into bed.

Nights/morning!!

charlene said a lil' prayer for you at 5:36 AM