Tuesday, October 31, 2006


why can't bbdc and i have a good and perfect ending with less hostilities? how am i to leave that school with good feelings, well, ultimately i will, cos i'll finally get my license. (how many times it may take).
im so hot with anger la.

and when things go wrong. who do we blame? the blame always lies with me. we are the immediate catalyst to spring events around us. in everything, at all times, we decide our fate.
so why do i find it so hard to just shut up and accept. (after going all around in a cirlce to come back to the same point)
what's this innate nature in us to instinctively shrug off responsibility and accountability. why does it always take some time before you have no choice but to humble yourself (albeit Very unwillingly) and go 'yea, i was wrong. it was me'.

i just wonder, is it ever gonna be possible when for once, it wouldn't be me? it can truely be something else and just free my name for once.

do you think it's ever possible to not be the reason for some bad feelings, in any situation although you were part of it? for example, just because you're in a place- and something goes bad there. since you were there, a little part of it had to do with you, simply for the fact that you were there?
everyone influences outcomes and scenarios around them anyway you see.
or you missed the bus by a second and the bus driver saw you. is it the bus drivers fault or your fault? at first we'd yell at the driver. but at the end, you gotta admit it was you. you could've set off earlier. things like that. where the fault can be shared. not entirely your fault. you did not mean to make it happen. and yet, the final blame would still sit on you.
is there some science law governing this penomenon which just makes it a fact of life you gotta accept.

where for every cause of bad happening, you've really only got yourself to blame at the end of the day regardless.

when i think of this train of thought, i feel so angered and useless that i'd really just rather kill myself and end it all.

I can be free
I can be free from this place
Beautiful healer
Beautiful grace
Help me to see
Everything fall into place
Wake me from dreaming
No more deceiving
Break these chains

-Corrine May. Free

charlene said a lil' prayer for you at 12:56 AM