Saturday, October 07, 2006
To dispel everything with a simple 'no'. and why do i never take things seriously? never want things bad enough. dont put my heart into anything.
is no such an easy answer to give? its so much easier to run away -from than -to isn't it. because running -to can hurt,can cause regrets, and running -from keeps you safe, keeps you the same. keeps you dull. holds you back. but safe anyhow.
we live life holding lotsa dreams, wishes and hopes. sometimes, its even possible to compete with others around us, how many we've fulfilled for ourselves. only once or if lucky, a few times in life given to us t try new things. it's a one stop decision-to let it happen for you. one choice of joining for a trip, or going for a particular camp or any other thing to do with chronological sequence. you pass or miss it and you will never get it back. so each decision, possibility that comes my way is precious. but there's only once in life where we die too and then, from there, it'll put a final stop to constantly trying to fulfill and live up to all those dreams we set for ourselves. would that be better? since even if im alive i don't experience what i really want
so many possible things which could've been done this december during my one mth break from ntu. from school! i could go to australia from 29-4 december with my ballet group, go to chiangmai from 6 december but come back early on the 11 december , and then prepare for year end performance and then christmas and then after that, go for metamorphosis camp from 26-29 december! enjoy the year end and new year and then a week more and back to school, feeling Great! and feeling like i've really Lived life! and perhaps ready to face all the work with great joy and happiness, which would probably pull my grades up and i'll have a great year two and pick up from there, really love CS and appreciate it for the course it is.
oh talking about grades, i S/Ued my cs816 already cos of the lousy just pass grades and then i just found out i got 58 for the cs101 id term test. the average is 73.3. good right! just great. means 70 plus will not even be A and my grade will be a D grade. and my gpa will slide like a mudslide and then..and then.. go dean office lor. Then.. go home lor.
but talking about my amazing plans, or opportunitites laid out for me-- i mean, i didnt even plan all those. but you know what's the common factor between all of them? they need money. the cost of going for a three things will lump sum up to 2000 dollars!
and you know what? as usual, my mother didnt even think, and just said 'no'. so easy to say no right. the term 'no' puts a stop to evrything and ends all possibilities. its like cutting something off. ah! i just thought-- like cutting off the fallopian tubes, like ligation or vasectomy. that's what it's like. say 'no' already also very good, no need to think further. conversation close. doors close. can go home. go sleep. forget.
the worse is, she doesn't think. or consider the fact im older and wiser. oh. i forgot. i will never be older nor wiser in her eyes right. she just used reasons from long ago. she just lashes them out again, without even using her brain, they are constantly in a store up in her head and floating around. and they flow out following a big 'no' from her. although they are separated into two compartments. one regarding bigger issues-then she will use the reasons where by im not christian enough. then smaller issues will give reasons along the lines that i don't know well enough for myself. or the constraints. or rather, her constraints. things that constrain her maybe, she applies them to me too!
but the common factor of the two stores is ALWAYS the money factor. we have no money. not enough money. no need think. no money. no money means no talk.
and because of that, the only thing i ever complain with full vengeance about is No Money. and then that makes me look like a hard up money sucking-money caring-money calculating-money loving Bitch. which i may pretty well be. but i just want to say circumstances make me like that. i do not like facing this fact that i grumble over the lack of money. because its horrid to and i really rather not. but i have no choice! it IS true that money issue is standing in the way.
the truth about why i never seemed interested in any of those things from the start is because of the money issue. to the thailand trip, i just anyhow say its cos of my ballet but the real reason is cos i have no money to go. the australia trip, i did say it was the cost. i din even bother about if i had the interest to go. din even think about it with any excitement at all because i straightaway thought of the expensive airport tax and knew it was a no go. the metamorphasis camp? i saw the price at $160 and knew it would be another tough issue.
there's no need for unneccessary feelings. having excess feelings of excitement and happiness will only result in more sadness. hence, i am always prepared to say no to anything thing which sounds big on budget (or people relationships which involve emotions) even before i hear it all out, because at the end of the proposer's sentence, i'd just say no, because i have no money( and a lil afraid of the risk factor). no money no talk.
and saying 'no' as said, allows you to run away and be safe-from getting burnt. what a boring life.
which is why i never ever put my heart fully into anything before. now that i think back. i never have.
because i am loser enough to fear 'no'. in other words, rejection.
if you look at things i have done well in, well it could be said that it's ballet. i have said that i love it. but all that love, will forever only be within me. i will not go out and fight more for that love. i will not be able to let that love get me places.
the achievements i've got in ballet- those distinctions (almost) year after year. i never really put my heart into getting them. everything i got was all by chance or if put better,God's grace.
i did work hard in training.
but i never set or told myself that i'd really want that very badly.
as a result you may have noticed that im really, always 'ok with anything'.
unless the only person/God i've given my heart to is
Jesus.
but there's really a clear reason for that. because He makes all the differences, fulfills all his promises, will never leave nor forsake me. and if things get disgusting, he'll still be there to work it out for me, even though he allowed it. and he'll always find a way.that's why.
yea. he will find a way. God will make a way.
if you want things bad enough. He knows your heart.
but the difference here is, i won't want it bad enough. not because i dont have faith. ( or maybe tt's it) but also because putting so much feelings on stake is tiring and risky and im not gonna go there la. i stay safe
this entry is so 'no' oreinted.can i blame my mother for being a 'no' when i myself am going there? i still will, cos she made me like tt.
and so, my december hols will be sepnt bumming around, having random dance rehearsals ( this performance is not as big scale as 'just dance'). seeing people go australia and chiang mai. have a lil fun at christmas. with no special feelings whatsoever. and then start crappy school again. and continue to get C's for another sem. go see dean again. then out of school.
charlene said a lil' prayer for you at 11:03 PM
