Tuesday, October 10, 2006
let's talk about driving today!! now its funny driving makes me kinda happy. ho taught me today. the super diligent guy. he covered quite a lot with me! slope and parallel parking! he even let me try and revise S course and directional change today! and in the last few minutes, he even guided me through vertical parking about three times! but that will be continued on thursday. and then all driving lessons come to a halt till dunno when again.
i woke up late, at about 7 sth but managed to leave the house in time and catch the last 187 bus which will get me to BBDC on decent time.
Then it was home to rush the citations bit for my project members.
and i really crashed today. i ate a lousy cup noodle lunch, which i must never again, because its all oil and carbo and empty fat calories! and after that, i went straight to sleep!
from 2.30 to 6. and woke up and had to drag myself to ballet. the distance really puts me off totally now. i really didnt wanna go,but cos i was thinking it'd be free class, i pushed myself to. the journey there was soo long. i sat on the train and just lost time cos it was really so much time to waste, you cant even keep track!read nanyand chronicle. i thought of the physical activity. my ass. we didnt do any of that. i could've spent my evening at amore instead. i wont have time to go there this week, unless i skip class. maybe i'd go to the gym tomorrow at jp during my break, but i hate the gym. rather do the classes. missed cardiolatino today cos i was too lazy to get my ass to jp. if i had gone for project meeting, tt wld've been my plan. ballet class, was just standing around looking fat in a leotard and feeling horrible. waste time! we were trying to recall an item we did two years ago and all i remember about that day was alex's wedding, where i rushed from his wedding to the tampines interchange where passion card roadshow was held and the stupid singapore idol.
yesterday evening was an unpleasant one. i read 2 emails. one from ms ong and the other from veron. both talking about the same melbourne trip. ms ong's mail was in reply to details i sent her about sourcing for travel agents to book with. and she gave me a reply that the trip was aborted. cos not enough major girls and because there are people who think the cost is too high. and she went on to explain that okh will not profit from it, and its soley to cover the travelling. i felt not happy reading that. it made me feel wronged. that i'd (and my friends) even think okh will profit?! i knew all along it was about the bare trip cost itself. she ended the email telling me, ' Perhaps your uncle may be able to give a clearer indication to your parents.'
and it was horrid to find out that the trip wasnt even aborted. its still on.(to know that im happy) but i dont know if she gave me that reply cos at 5 sth yesterday, that was the decision then or was it for other reasons.
then veron's email came to tell us how disappointing it is at the turn out. especially from reply of the major girls. and i know that most of it is my fault. my other frens are trying hard. they have uni exams and that's hard to work around. others have genuine financial woes. and i, just simply say i have no money. my parents find the cost too high. it sounds ludicruos from their point of view , because i have a history of going to australia the previous few years since 2003. so now i tell them i have no money to go.. who will believe me? hence, as usual, i give dumb reasons.
but it hurts ok. to have them think that.
i admit i dont look like i try very hard to persuade them. and i wont. because its no use. i hate talking to them about money. so im not gonna talk to them.
im pissed with my Mother as of now. i dont need other people bugging at me too ok. on top of that, i am having pms. still. it sucks ok.
why did ms ong say that the trip is off when it isnt? after the mini things i got down to do? i felt so stupid when i was talking to uncle nicholas on the phone last night, as he wanted more details, and he really got back to me on monday cos i rushed him on sunday. and i opened my email and found ms ong's reply? that its cancelled? 'oops! sorry uncle nicholas, i realised that the trip has just been cancelled. sorry for all your trouble and calling you so late at night,' he was nice to offer help in future (if any).
that said, i still haven reply uncle eric, andrea's father from eureka. i cant just leave him hanging after he kindly replied me on monday. what do i say?
now that the trip is still on, would she still want to source? just without me poking around?
and next is the thailand trip. i hate it that people think just cos no one says anything, its under control. its not ok! aunty ruth hasnt called my mother. my mother thinks shes right and im no longer going, and time is running out. each day. the air fare may go up, seats get booked. wait some more la!
im not putting my heart into this. i look at the situation and i also rather not!
and when if i do get to go to chiang mai, it'll be ballet woes again.
if you want my brutal truth, i wont mind taking out of ballet for awhile. i think im really losing interest. i've never been cut out physique wise for it anyway. i should just go into hard core muscle ugly stuff to finally look like what i do. like aerobics or weight lifting, or running or swimming. anything but ballet and dance.
a secret i try so hard to keep.
in just a few more years, i will totally ignore what the mother has to say. i used to believe what she'd say, assuming whatever she says would hold some sense and truth since she is my mother, but no. that is not true. mother doesnt mean she knows everything. doesnt mean her assumptions and views are 100% correct all the time. increasingly, the more she opens her mouth, the less i trust her.the more unreasonable i view her.
there will come a time, as swee said, doesnt mean they are our parents they truly understand us. they think they do. but they dont. they dunno what we do outside. they dunno what i do at school. they dunno what i do at ballet. they dunno who i really hang out with( in the case thart swee isnt always really swee). they dunno.
so what makes you think they will suddenly know the correct answer about you when important decisons have to be made? they will give the impression they know you well- from their memories of the person you were say.. 10 years back? when you were in primary school. too bad to you if you were a tyrant then.
why do i let what she says affect me so much. i realised, why i am suddenly smothered with thoughts about getting kiecked out of school, because she rattled all that one week ago on monday without thinking. and those words stick to me. i believed her. and that possibility. cos i think she knows best.
but she doesnt. i will stop believing her gradually. it hasnt happened yet.
but it has to one day- for my own freedom and happiness.
charlene said a lil' prayer for you at 11:53 PM
