Thursday, August 03, 2006
waah. so fast 3rd august already.i meant to type the following to fit into wednesday, 2nd august.
anyway, i finally matriculated online today and got my school timetable. did that first thing when i woke up this morning! and i forgot my password. until i remembered it was something ballet i changed it to. previously, by default it wld've been my matriculation number. thank goodness i remembered!! now i wanna change it to sth else. like back to my matric no. BUT u can't use your last 3 passwords. so the ballet term it shall stay. and i'll feel like an Idiot whenever i sign in.
that's what u get at times when u feel u love ballet. but other than that. it sucks to have ballet things in your life. esp when realities set in and you know it becomes more of an embarassment.
i have school everyday.i was quite disappointed. but i only have a single hr tutorial on both tue n thu. that makes things a little better.and believe it! the rest of my allocated modules are lectures! only 2 tutorials weekly!
i wanna attend school. small bursts of enthusiasm do occur here and there. but most other times, i feel crap abt it all. worrying if i'll like it. whether it'd make sense. whether i can find friends.
and then there's another thought that i'd be the last person in the cohort. cos im a misfit.
and then i also went blog spying by googling the course. hehe. so i get to read about some people already!
and back to ballet being an embarassment. i was darning my pointe shoe on the train today. and i almost felt like i was breastfeeding. and the shoe-my boob. i was stuffing it in my bag exposing it only enough to sew the base.
and i was thinking, if anyone should ask.. whatever the hell was i sewing, i'd rather say 'oh..i work for a company..and im hired to sew the shoes for customers.'
cos yes. for the [big number]th time, i do not look one bit like a dancer.
and yesterday, i spent every waking moment watching tv from 12pm to about 10. at least, i left the tv running for that long. i got so scared.i went to nap after that. and then woke up at 12 plus. and couldnt sleep till 4. my poor eye damage!
and today when i woke up, i didnt dare turn on the tv. just went surfing on the net.
ballet today in the evening.
i got to wear my new pointe shoes! we did pointe work again. good thing a fourth tow blister didnt hurt too bad. plasters really make a big difference.
and im now in the process of getting ready to envision myself in a fail situation of an exam. sucha drop. from dist to fail. perfect n wonderful.
i feel stupid. as stupid as how hard it was to learn chinese.
spent 11 years learning tt language from kindergarten and ended up with not even a peanut.
same goes for ballet.
spent 11 years on it too. and it's proving too hard already.
an end has to occur somewhere along the line
and i guess the time has come. i am in the periods when im doing my urm dying pig scene.
never did it occur to me 2006 would be the year i lose it so suddenly.
when all was still good less than a year before.
now when will ballet end for me? or dance for that matter.
i was telling a lady in a dino class i dunno how long i'd go on learning for. as far as it takes me. and i just go on. and a wk ago, i told joanne from fcm the same thing.
but maybe now. i know. and i have an idea.
good things have to end one day. all good things come to an end.
let me tell you a little something.
a part of me wanted to take the exam cos i wanted to be reminded of the feelings i had when i took inter 2 years ago. so much joy i had. i wanted to dance so much. and when it all ended in september, i wanted to dance some more and felt i'd rather dance than do promos. the passion was that strong. i loved the music. the feeling of arms movement.
i was yearning for that again. to fall in love with the music and just love the dance. the moves.cos a1 has beautiful steps.
but alas, too many technicalities have crept in. this milestone. i can't drown in the music. i am scared of myself. i don't dare do a step because im afraid i'd fall. because i have before. esp on pointe. i always worry i twist my ankle or something. just another time, i imagined i fell backwards and hit the back of my head and blanked out just like that. now how scary is that?
if i were to injure myself badly enough before the exam. and land in hospital or a cast. whoa that would be damn pain. but i think probably i may be happier. to know i don't have to take the exam.
you know, i really feel like samson now. (heh. for once, not jonah)
i'm sorry. my strength really has gone.
i remember my first ballet class. when i thought they'd make us do those big jumps and splits in the air or many many turns. and phew. it was just point and close. bounces off the floor and fun things. and for the next 11 years. it was like that. ballet was never that Hard per se. and so i was able to progress.
but now i've come to this grade, where finally, we DO have to do those stuff. and im not up to it anymore.
so im sorry.
i've had my fun as a child. and now perhaps it's time to Grow Up.
it ends.
charlene said a lil' prayer for you at 1:22 AM
