Friday, May 05, 2006


Today is a day where im left on my own again. i worked the morning shift yesterday at frutta, and since it was mum's b'day yesterday, we had dinner w popo at plaza's cartell.

this morning, i went for driving lesson at 9.40. this time, got the time correct. im ever so cautious when i book lessons now, and i make sure i STARE hard at the confirmation page so i dont get any date or time wrong. today, i finally went out of the circuit! its more fun to drive on the roads! more space in a way. (:

so lesson was good as compared to the last lesson where i spent the whole lesson going round and round the circuit and the instructor was just useless and mumbling to himself. and bored stiff.

and now im home again. with nothing to do. actually, i can take a nap and leave for work at 4. today is a not so exciting day. a mellowed down day. a feel almost like crap day.

sis is leaving for US today. and i dont get to send her off, like i didnt go to send granny n koko off cos of the same reason--work. and i wont be seeing her for the next three wks. she said bye to me this morning. shes out now and onl will be back at 5. but by then i'll already be stationed at frutta. so that's already a bummer in itself.

by the time sis comes back, hopefully i submit my uni decision already.

and i have sth incredible to share.

which has left me quite subdued and sullen now.
you see, it happened that dunno how come at dinner last night, the topic came back to uni and my decisions. and my sis, being the floaty clown she is, started shoving small bites of pros in going to sci. but she did warn tt galvin said such an industry is dangerous. and mdm nuraini also cautioned tt in the media indstry, there are hell loads of bitches n all that kinda specie.as i was mulling to her, she kinda picked up that 'i seem to have more reservations for mass com than fass'. and i said yah!yah!. and then we left it at that.

prople concerned been telling me to pray abt it. which i have. but im not feeling or getting any answers.she told me to be still and seek god, and then i will know in my heart with a sense of peace which is the direction i should take when i think of tt option.and i confided that actually, i have a small feeling that i think the ans is sci but i wasnt willing to let go of nus. and she geared up in excitement and was like..'you mean you dunno what you wanna do but u just feel u should go there?' and i said ya.. [i seriously have NO idea what mass com is about. i will miss my geography, theatre studies and literature.] and then she started laughing gleefully.And i starting tearing and then bawling and then sobbing.. and with that my face turned red, my nose swelled and all was ugly. and mind you, we were all seated in cafe cartell. i never expected such violent reactions. i so darn wanted to hold on to my dear kingly nus that i often refused and chucked sci to one side. i didnt know it actually hurt me so much to give up nus(or just the thot of it). but darn.. i cried those hot tears cos nus has always been what i wanted. i never gave ntu a second thought. nus was all that prestige and all. the chance to study in singapore's no. one uni. finally a chance to go somewhere no. one.

strangely enough, despite the warnings here and there about media industry being worldy and such, i have a peace that i wont be harmed by that. i will be safe. because protection comes from God above. he will 'make my paths straight'.

perhaps this is a calling towards sci. maybe God really wants me there. i'll have to pray for peace about this decision and know that's what He wants and intends for me. and of course, my mummy had to add in her kiddy two cents worth " dont be like jonah and try run away from niniveh. you see in the end he also end up there".But in a way, the sci choice its different. im venturing into 'dangerous' ground.i dont see how after going for fass, it's likely i'll be back in media industry (cos tts not a gd thing also).

i dont know is it after the crying that released tension. but now when i think about theatre studies or lit..i'm kinda numbed to it. i think 'so what?' i dont feel anything to it. my sis was pouring water on fass too(i dunno why tho), cos she said.. even if u do lit in nus, will you like doing the psychoanalysis and things like that, where a text is no longer what it is and things like that.where everything is turned upside down and distorted in the senior yr?' and then i think of all the essays she churns out. of parts i've read for her but dont understand. do i wanna be found writing all that too?all that language and academic is way above me. but of course..maybe the skill is built up from yr one such that you can handle it.

if i go to sci. i really wont know what im doing there. i'll just be like a dummie there for them to mould. i'll stomp into sriramesh's office, and say..'ok. im back. thanks for approving my application. now make sci work for me alright.' But maybe there's big things there for me to discover.

my dad ask me ytd, 'if you so sad now you gotta choose, why u choose mass comm in the first place?' my answer to that, was honestly cos i was being a bitch. i just wanted to act big. to revel in the feeling of being accepted by a uni. to feel that they actually are willing to take you in without you begging them. because the whole of last year was nothing but a blind struggle. no one ever thot all that's presented on a pretty platter today was even possible.me too included.

if you ask me my honest opinion what i think of all this. i'd say it's really, all by the grace of God. i think He fashioned my grades and interview scenario in this way to get me to where He wants me to be.and up till now i really can't understand how it could've been done if not for His hand in all this. i really feel that God picked me out of 'the miry clay' and crane lifted and transported me to where im standing now. 'kaplonk!!'

and that somewhere is showing itself to be sci. somewhere i have totally no idea why or what. yes..somewhere i go in faith. and before i forget. my sis then broke out into a silly chant oompa lumpa style..'take the step of faith! take the step of faith!'


so now..i really got myself into this fix. and God is laughing at me. and i will have to follow Him. i say this because, my dad followed up and commented 'who ever said you were small? you are big what. look at you'. yea..and now, i guess God really wants to show me what big is.. since i poke my fat ass around and anyhow play play apply for sci..now i kena..i'll have to go for it lor. Because maybe he intends me for bigger stuff. i dont know yet!

charlene said a lil' prayer for you at 1:18 PM