Saturday, March 18, 2006
hello. i dont blog anymore and cant think what to blog now. should i just see what comes out.talking about usual surface things, well, uni applications and such. 20 bucks gone to nus and ntu. havent paid ntu though.
i've seen both luke and benedict flip out the ornange nus book from their bags on two different occasions and that means they're looking thru n even bother to bring it out of the house. as for me, that book never left my bedside. but i browsed through it once. sometimes, i feel im not doing enough. should be doing more, and letting chances slip by.
but on the other hand, theres really nothing for me to read abt. my choices are so limited w/o math and science. i'm not regretting now. but this situation just makes how to go abt doing things easier. as i knew my choices wld've been this frm day one.
maybe the deciding will come later when the real confirmation and stuff come later in may.
but then we cant deny we're all at this juncture in life. this crossroad. i often dream of what i can do with my dreamy ballet. of where it will take me--big stages and bright lights, tight neat buns, pretty pointe shoes. but no. that can never happen. i always wanted a career in dance. all that teaching blah. but i have been holding myself back- the true reason being i find it too mundane a job. so now..that new things are gonna start again have to think what i really want.
but what's the use if.. my weekends are already taken and all i have is ballet. maybe its time for me to go out and try new things. i've yet to try my aerobics classes, pilates classes and hopefully my sailing. haha. cant even call it 'mine' actually cos i only did a course and wrapped up the whole thing. in my whole life, i have sailed only 8 days. so why the big hoohaa? maybe because i havent pursued it yet.
ah..but tt may be another aspiration again. there's really no space for that! saturday=ballet.
ARGHH!
forget it. this talk is endless. i've thought abt this many times. and if someone asks me to just go into dance..i pull back again cos i dont dare. im gonna end up a loser in due time due to so much unfinished business. i hate growing up. now ive come to this stage in life( everyone my age has) where, i've actually accumulated enough history to really 'look back' and remeber that little girl i once was. looking at little children and you remeber a time when u were tt height and like tt..i still do rmbr certain events vividly. but oh my..that girl has grown so much. and will continue to. i just feel im not in control. ultimately, i understand God is. but i too want to have some loose insight to where im headed or a track record of what ive been..but im losing it. cant recall.
hahaha.
memory has always been a big issue for me. i like remembering :) but that doesnt mean i rmbr all things. i am still forgetful. v contradicting.
not being in sch anymore is causing me to feel more than stupid.
the past week has gone by- the school holiday week. i myself even feel more relaxed this wk cos i know no morning calls will come. monday was spent hanging arnd at basil's hse.then off to jazz. tue lunch m mummy. wed went to e shopping ctr and jazz again at night. thur was activa day! w...wakeboarding :D:D many thanks to lydia and rollarblading/cycling. friday-- my granny and koko are back from sydney! went airport pick them up!
today there was no ballet.i was happy! ms ong's outta town. so its been truely relaxing being discharged frm all duties. had bak kut teh lunch w granny n koko n aunt peggy n laosim. then went to yf. sat in the guitar lesson. learnt 7 new notes today! tried to strum 'old rugged cross' it sounds so so lame. haha! and played a lil piano this morning. keep making mistakes now. a lil rusty and got a lil pissed. yf is always refreshing in a way for me. like sth different. its not super damn interesting but somehow..it holds this special place. not tt i feel affectionately for it. but i dunno. i guess its just God and how the spirit probes. watched a video abt this man's testimony..he was badly burnt up in an accident when he was four so he looks hideous yet he's still able to live life a happy man with much joy and a close walk w God. Aunty ruth mentioned tt what he said was really sincere and u can tell its frm within him cos in his plasticated face..u cant get any expression frm it. unlike all of us who are able to use our face to hide emotions w a plastic smile.
anyway. the students r going back to school next wk. often stressed w schoolwork and all that. and i have nothing to worry abt. hence slacking away. straying further. i rmbr i was much closer to God last yr and He has been faithful. but this yr is nth. crap. its wrong to wait for trials and sticky situations to cling to God but i dont know why i find myself so on my own now tt everything is smooth sailing. wen i try read the bible...i gloss thru it quickly. sighsigh. like..there's no real reason to seek him..for now. im giving myself a slow death. going out on my own.
i'm dying spiritually. sometimes i sit back in church and ask myself 'what is all this?'. going to church every sunday..has become routine..more routine than a real spiritual feeding each week. sunday school helps abit but service time is just a bore to sit through. no more burning in me. it's very faint now. lukewarm is what the problem's called. and the worse thing is... i think most around me is in pretty much the same situation so i dont get scared and try to do sth. how scary is tt? i find it hard to grow where i am. But you know God puts u where is best for u..perhaps this church is where i am supposed to be..but im not moving anywhere!. i have a sense of familiarity which puts me at ease at new life bp but other than tt.. there's nothing. oh my...this is tragic to admit all these.im losing the zeal but my faith is still there. i know God's love is ever present and i still delight in portions of His word--i still derive a sense of joy and quietness from it but its just tt im not cultivating anymore. stagnating is what its called.
i just hope going for vcf camp in either may or june will lift me up agn.my sister tells me there's one later in e yr. maybe i need out of the bp circle for some time. may help come soon.
plus being dry at a time where major decisions on life's path has to be made is dangerous. i know God won't forsake me..but i'll just inflict myself by being in a washing machine spin tossed upside down all over with no idea of anything.im lacking the conviction tt the choices i make now is favoured upon in His sight.just only going about it n brushing surfaces. how lost am i.
charlene said a lil' prayer for you at 11:11 PM
