Saturday, September 24, 2005
at the end /or start of the day, here is where i end up again. just like everyone else, yet in my own special way! i can cheer!! which marks the end of prelims.
the last paper, 3 hours was long and draggy for me. through the paper i had urges to shit, pee, fear, chills -- summed up, mass anticipation.
it was tiring. but im glad its over. like all others.
why is it that i have to add a second justification to every sentence i type? cos im wasting space and making the reader read the unneccessary. there there. see..it happens again.
hmm..
i want to sleep. its good i can sleep. and yet when i close my eyes. i feel restless. i can't sleep proper.i mean the process of falling asleep and just lieing there between consciousness and slumber. you just close your eyes and lie there. will you ever fall asleep if you just stare at the ceiling? i guess not. cos thats when they say thots flow into their head and they cant sleep hence, was up all night blah blah.
this underlying disturbing feeling under it all. and yet on surface, all is calm and well again. i spent 6 days doing exams in the past two weeks, and six nights feeling uneasy. what's all this about?
and when it's all over.
so what?
i put down my pen when the time was up. and just sat in my little seat at the back of the classroom. i didnt feel happy. i just felt numb. yet it was a time i was looking forward to.
people expect so much of the future, they miss the present and forget to live it. so after their lives have been lived out, how many can actually say..'i have lived!' yea sounds stupid. think about it.
at the moment, i have spent six years sleeping my life away. im beginning to share the same thought tt yea.. maybe sleep really wastes time. i agree now. :P 1/3 of my little life.
life life life.
the simplest words carry with it the most complexities and complications.
study of words. hah. we can break it down to linguistics. detailed study.
anyway!!
you ask me why i am so rude to you all. why why why. and yet nice to so many others. my dad nicely put it as 'transactions w people' (?!?0 or sth like tt. do i look like a bank account. or maybe, tt's a good word use altho unintended. since i only live off them because of money. and my allowances. other than tt. i can go no contact. he's puzzled as to why he can mix around so nice and free with his sundae school kids (sundae..as if they're all icecream kids :P) and joke around w the teens in church yet he cant reach through to me. his daughter. haha. ironic. but that's life. that's the way things are. don't worry. you're not the only one.
it'd be nice to have him know that..i guess his sunday school kids on the other hand will wonder..why is it uncle weeboon is so nice and friendly yet my folks aren't like tt/cant be like tt? haha. cos they can't. that's all there is to it.
and their parents will be wondering why other's kids can be so nice to them yet their own are tyrants.
everyone left to wonder.
bright side? at least there's someone who's nice to someone and someone and someone. no one loses out or misses out. sth like 'paying it forward'.. isn't it good to know tt at least i am nice to people so people will think i very good. then it'll also reflect goodly on them what. not good enough ah? unless you decide to spoil the pretty picture i painted by complaining to your friends about your children and their flaws.
but so what? how much of things taken at face level is truely genuine? qtn: would you rather live in a world of fakes with cordial and polite characters? or take all the shit and crap of people yet know its true. (is this in some way perverse?)
because truth hurts. do we then run away from it? or hide. and mask. shield. cover.
the reason why? maybe because i realise i can't hide or feign my emotions around you.. im sorry if its really in my nature to be this monster alright? live with it. since you decided to formulate me.unless you want to be like others.then ok la. i be nice to you. i'll find some other thing to scream at.
i dont think anyone is ever able to be nice to everyone 24/7, 100%. there's always gonna be something as the punching bag. more often than not, it's the family unit. just unfortunate.
..hmm..nice to all others yet rude to them. why? because i would be rude to all if i could. and why can't i anyway? :D
i hate lies. i really do.
charlene said a lil' prayer for you at 1:18 AM
