Wednesday, May 04, 2005
wth!
*something i could never figure and pent up for quite some time.
as much as i said i never wanna talk about fats issues anymore, cos it doesnt make a difference, i wonder when did i become like that-this..obsessed.
there was once upon a time, say,three years back. i was fifteen. ok fine. nevermind. i can afford to go further back in the timeline. i was new in secondary school. although all my life, i knew i was never that stick thin girl, i envied, i never bothered about it really. ate as much as i liked. ate more than i ever could now. i was happy. i knew on the surface i did say i was fat, but deep down i guess i knew it wasnt all that bad. i was just fat in ballet class. and there, was the fats issue confined.
and then it all happened when i turned fifteen. weight issues became brightly highlighted to me. the constant repetitions became internalised within me. maybe it was me sabotaging myself all along, cos most part of the 'you are fat' came from me. then we had a lil thing called 'just dance' for ballet. everyone was truley excited about it. it was all about performing. and then there was more pressure to lose weight now cos we were gonna be on stage (like wth!) and miraculously, i somehow did. very little. like 2-3kg at most. and with that i became overly over the moon. you see, all those years when there was talk about me having to lose weight, i never thought it possible. and then it all came by chance cos we were all dancing so much and perspiring buckets. from then on, days of my life were filled with one extra event--stepping up on the scale daily. sometimes, as many as five times. yes. go crazy. i could tell you my weight, down to the decimal place, or whether there was a change in even 0.5 kg,every quarter or so of the day.whether be it because i drank a lil more water or slept for many hours, hence the absence of food. i felt better then. thin. maybe. but never thin enough anyway. came the performance day and i was still the largest on stage. so what?
people used to tell me, its ok. youre not fat. you're just nice. but what's the point? not fat..but not skinny either. anything bigger than skinny is considered fat anyway. and then, 'it's ok, cos i had the muscles'. ha ha ha. so what if i can carry my leg so high, but look so ugly? look, any football player or rugger can do the same alright?! it doesnt take a ballet dancer to have to be able to do that. i mean, the main thing u associate with a dancer is thiness right..how scrawny she looks and how sunken in her cheekbones are. the chunky bulges weren't even aesthetic to begin with. i just looked plain odd overall. all those years, i looked like i was registered in the wrong class. still do anyway.
and then come these last 2 years, i started ballooning badly. my weight just went up up and up. from then on, i became aware of every slight increase, till the 0.5 kg, added up to 5-6 kg. and whoala! you have a big big me today.
today, i am really what you will call big. i cant hide the fats anymore.its even interfering with my choice of clothes(or lack there of). and people are still telling me 'you're not fat' come on! i know that! as long as im not obese, i will be 'not fat'. so do i jolly wait for the time till i become obese, then everyone can finally tell me man! you ARE fat! till then ..like i wouldnt know?
when i was not as mammoth as i am today, i was told i was fat. people told me i wasnt cos they couldnt see it. today, i AM that big for all to see. and they still tell me i am not fat[only because im not yet obese], because now, they do not wanna hurt me, or my lousy feelings. but, i see a change in the way they say so. they have shifty eyes,and they try to justify so much more. oh yes, and still using e excuse tt i have muscles. ha ha ha. and since, over the years, they've become accustomed to automatically rebutting 'you're not fat! ' whenever someone or anyone complains of being fat.come on! who will ever dare to tell a girl. 'yes man! you are superfat!' even though tt's the truth?
sometimes, i just wish i never began on the path which led to the 2-3 kg weight loss. if i never lost that weight, i'd never have gone up by 5-6 kg in the first place cos of over-consciousness. everytime you lose a lil weight, the next time you gain, you gain more than ever. why lose in the first place?
since then, i've judged myself according to weight. (so airhead right) i will never be good enough, cos of all that mass. and yet, there've been articles which say, dont only start living once you eg:lose weight. they say live in the moment. dont hold back your happiness until u achieve sth.i really should take this advice cos i will nv lose weight. and even if i do, the next time u see me five years down the road, i'd be times two my previous size. i do believe in that actually.
im not all that depressive also. dont have to get all worried. i mean, i have my happy times in school where i laugh out loud. maybe im using this as a lame excuse, but perhaps, part of me doesnt wanan go for dance cos going there,i'd be the fattest. i'll be reminded? i dont know. like when do i ever forget tt im not skinny anywae?
i see my friends and people around me, and i thank God that im not as big as them, (actually, there's not many to choose from). that's what mom told me. at least ure not like this, or that. but is it even right to base our happiness on other's 'misfortune' based on our pride? cos we're better than this fella n what not.
and yet, theyre happier than me. i mean, i dont know if weighty issues ever bother them, but its like, i love them for who they are and accept them anyway.we dont base our frenships on that! what difference does big or small make? they care and they are concerned.they brighten my day and cheer people up.they are their own complete individuals with their own talents(which have no relation to weighty issues). what's most important is the person and character. plus, we should take into consideration that bitches are the thin ones anyway.
seriously, i dont know why i think about this issue all day, when seriously, no one judges me by my size anyway. neither should i then.
incident: last friday, i was at dance. they had welcome tea for the new recruits. as usual, everyone was thin, save for two girls. one was like me i guess. another looked totally undancer like. (just forgive me for being so superficial and stereotyping) but i know, i shouldnt kick them off, cos, i am one of them too. i am fat, but i can dance, just tt it doesnt look as nice. seriously, it's e fat people who are able to stretch further and dance more freely i guess. maybe it comes with the blubber. ANYwae, we taught them the basic steps and the five positions in ballet. and i was helping with corrections. as i walked past the bigger girl, i noticed she didnt quite do the thing properly, so i went up to correct her, and yet, i didnt dare move her (her hips was twisted). i never got further than correcting her arms.
i dont know what caused that fear or slight slight slight slight 'disgust in me' . was it that same reaction like those in Brave New World? when they saw Linda all fat, old and wrinkled? that they shunned away in horror and disgust, because she was the potrayal or what might become of them had it not been for soma-- that perfect drug to prevent ageing and all bad things.or was i plain disgusted with myself?
gosh. i ironically stereotype people according to they're physical properties. i am gonna admit that. and i feel horrible for tt. cos seriously, people dont care whether ure fat or thin. and i know that.
aren't you all glad there's only one of me?
charlene said a lil' prayer for you at 10:49 PM
