Saturday, March 26, 2005


there's no ballet today. i felt a lil happy. and then it got me worried cos i'm not supposed to be happy. or rather not as much as i am,(as little as it may be). i worry cos this may be the root of my losing interest in ballet and i fear that. i really do,cos i dont want to(lost my zeal). but even if i say i dont want to, who can tell the future and what will happen thereafter?you cant stop yourself from feeling.

eg:*we all groan again. BEAR with me k?* my lil cca. no no im serious! maybe ive said this before but i'll say it again to remind myself . or maybe i should just let go so i'lll stop feeling this messed up about it. hey! did u just realise, that this's the starting of my blog entry, and AGAIN we are on dance topic again? man i must be boring! and i was just protesting over lunch to my 3 buddies tt i will not and havent been blogging abt dance anymore. man i seem to contradict my whole being/self!

ok to the main part. you see, hmm nvm forget it. the point is, i thot i liked dance but now i don't. but actually to that, i have reasons backing up. i was never totally impressed w dance before. unlike ballet. so hmm maybe the problem is not so serious after all.

and then i got home and logged on to msn and talked to keith my og member. look, for the first part, i was trying to figure and remember who he was cos i didnt wanna disappoint him by going 'eh who are u ah?' then he'll feel so insignificant. he asked me have i been reading the papers. of course my ans to that was 'no'. the issue was, he's feeling a lil bugged abt the fact tt people cant get to their choice of school cos its bursting at the seams and they're hard work has gone to nothing. his score would have allowed him to enter ac under normal circumstances but not anymore. that, is what he's grumping about. and to that i replied:

'there is no room for their choice, but in any case, there's also a place somewhere.'

so he said in the worse, he can still stay in jj. trying to be nice abt it i said

'but..it's not so bad right?'[at the back of my head, the lunatic ogls went screaming in my head. i had second thots] and well, he agreed with me.
i went on to tell him
' the culture shock thing is understandable and it doesnt matter what jc ure in as long as you work hard.'

i went on to tell him 'you're not alone in this penomenon of not being able to be where u wanna be'

to that, he told me, yea, my friend is in a worse case actually..blah blah.

he went on to add that, its sad cos his friends are either leaving the college or taking different combis in future.
i told him:

'but u also get to make more friends and them leaving doesnt mean you can't keep in contact.' [who was i trying to kid? the moment ure in diff schs ur frenship kinda stops there unless in rare cases]

me: 'as simple and childish these better scenarios may sound, if you believe in them just a tiny bit, you'll feel better'

then i asked him ' u think looking at other's mishaps makes us feel better abt ourselves sometimes?' he said dunno. i said, i guess, but i cringe in agreement cos it makes us so self-centered, tt we build our [better] feelings on the misfortune of others.

then, like a caring og member for your ogl, he asked how was i getting along with studies? and i said i should be doing stuff but im not blah blah. he said yea, if he worked earlier and harder for o's, maybe he'd stand a better chance of ac.regrets. i told him'it's over,look beyond.'

to all that i was telling him-- giving him the better picture, i thot about myself and what my fingers were typing, i was thinking, oh man, am i really so blind? like hazel[from harrison bergeron]. i give excuses and reasons for everything. i try to think about things the other way round and make it seem not as bad as it is. even though we all know some things are just shitty. still, i try to see the better picture.

it may be good in a way[they call it Positive Attitude(hah!] , but am i then opening myself to be like one of those madly cheering j1 ogls?( i just read charlene's blog) senselessly doing things. or like those in '1984' putting such strong faith in 'BigBrother' or 'Ford' ( brave new world). thinking, as long as there's bigbro or ford, everything will be fine. and then condition myself to think tt way n follow tt mad senseless crowd?

thinking,' i cant have this, but at least i've got that. i can do this, but at least..' wouldnt this just lead us to lower our whole standard cos of compromise and giving in?

ok im not gonna copy charlene and talk about how irritating the ogls are. i must say she did it perfectly well, i agree! i thot i was blind but no. i noticed and heard all that she noticed. just tt she felt much strongly about tt. haha maybe im just a numb creature.i agree with her, but to that, i have my list of excuses made in favour of the lunatics.

the 4 points irking her so badly :

1. the amount of colourful decorations around the whole school.
haha i agree its true they've overdone it by a lot. the hall looks like 'a nursery' quote sweeling. the stars hanging everywhere and the POSTERS. haha the posters have made many a j2, sick.

i agree to all of this. But i say: let's just recognise them for their hardwork. i guess they just want the new j1's to feel welcome and make jj seem more alive, cos people often come in with a preconception tt jj is a dead place. so by colouring up the whole place.. well, first impressions do count. hahaha but the j2 in me knows, tt some may be put off by it.
but going to the j1 i was, if i were to enter, i (quite shamefully ) say, i would be taken in by all that. i would be impressed by the stars around the school. i cant speak up for the posters though. but if i must, let's just say, the posters would encourage me. it'll make me feel welcome--> imagine the fact where u come into jj cos u cldnt get any other better school. wont the posters(sssssss) make u feel a little happier? * cringe*

and if i was from first three mths, i would congratulate my shadow and ogl friends for putting in so much hardwork around the school.

2. 'LIFE BEGINS HERE.' WE WANT YOU!!

china communist. haha charlene..xyz comes from THE Chinese High. that's in his bloood!!!herd posoning--haha. yes yes. jj is desperate to make the people stay. so..urm...let them go on with it? not like we can stop them anyway. we have to take into consideration the j1's are new, they havent been exposed to the shortcomings and pitfalls of jjc. we'll let them discover tt for themselves after they've been hyped and tossed around.

j1 mindset: after uve been kicked out by ac/sa/cj/aj,and you feel like u screwed up ur whole life and ure at a dead end ,you come to jj feeling dejected. so when u se this big banner which says 'we want you!' and 'life begins here' you see some HOPE. wont u feel better? psycho effect.

3 the school will back you up if you dedicate yourself.

yes yes. we're worried for apple. i guess he too is worried for himself. unless maybe he doesnt realise, then i have nth to say. but i think he is. well, let's just say someone has to do the saikang job and since NOWAY are we gonna be the ones in our cynical state, let apple and councillors do the job. michelle woo once said: if they have to do the job, they condition themselves to like it so it'll be easier. argh! they too are victims. unknowing victims. ouch!

the ogl's want to feel accepted and above the rest. to avoid pressure. hahaha. yeap they all want that. and let's just leave them the time to gradually understand for themselves tt the pressure will always be there.

j1 mindset: after all ive experienced in 1st three mths, i wanna do my duty to the school and feel proud for the fact im in jjc! (hehe, seriously, i think they do this just to give themselves the high, to numb out e fact tt jj is seriously not the best of the best. just, a lil better than the worst' u see, they tend to blow things up way over proportion.

4 song and dance for a good life.

haha i couldnt agree more on this!!! what does it look like? some kinda jj soma!! simon's psychotic. what do you get if ure led by a psycho? u get disillusioned. well, look! ogls give you the answer as to what disillusioned is. the crazy screaming, haha i never understood that, though i WAs part of it before. we scream with consciousness in our minds, we go crazy and all, knowing its ACTING. that at the end of it all, ure still in the shithole. haha makes u feel stupid cos before tt, u were jumping around and mucking in that same shithole,splashing in shit.

But cheering does build up spirit.there are times when u really cheer cos u feel for the school. ok the main problem, jj is overdoing things.

overdoing everything, it makes u feel sick. yes i feel sick too. but let them do it la. we'll just detatch ourselves.

but all in all, thanks my world unite partner, for your very good explode!!! :)

haha. maybe im just trying to psycho myself to try understand where they come from, so i wont burst and become a cow.

i just think i practice too much of doublethink.

charlene said a lil' prayer for you at 3:11 PM