Friday, February 25, 2005


really killing myself for doing this at 1.54 am on fridae morning. and im not supposed to be late tmr, cos ive been late the whole of this week!! its amazing,really.

ok..earlier on, i had things on my mind to think abt. but now tt i wanna pen it down it flies far far awae. aiyah tired la.managed to complete my phy geog essay. yay! its really a gd improvement.

hmm really, what was it i wanted to talk abt?

its almost 2 am. haha i think tmr i can just go n be late. ahh im feeling a lil hungry now. but no no..no bingeing.

msged jocelyn a few days ago..so nice to hear from her again. ahh..our lil frens..[excuse me if i dont maqke sense. im really half sleeping]
oh yes! it was frens i was talking abt! or rather wanted to talk abt. hai..it has come to my attn, tt most people make frens for their own benefits. they see if u can benefit them anything then they decide to fren you. many people become frens thru various waes, one is in having same interests, then another is u take a lesson together, and stuff. and then my fren told me tt sometimes she thinks frenships are superficial after awhile.


cos we base them on silly things. and then i was thinking of some long time frens ive had..yep, chris, tt's u..haha. and..

ok i really dont feel like saying this, but i shall just not care.. so i was thinking,

what then is e perfect basis of a frenship which may not fail you. ok im saying this w a lil note to myself tt man will always fail us no matter what. i cant tell e future n what is to come but if anything shld happen n spoil our frenship i'll really kick myself.and the ans was back to -God again. i feel a lil cliche writing this. cos all i ever tok abt is God this and God tt, but God is a perfect God, so yep.

hai. i feel really funny. maybe cos its this early in e morning.

and i was thinking when we were younger, i think our basis was more, to talk during lessons than God. hahha now...we're getting a lil better:P n they used to ask us in anger' what do come to church for???!!!' and we reply from the top of our heads' to learn more abt God' if not what other ans? tt we came to tok cos we didnt see each other for a whole wk? haha those tr's will just flip 2 times over, more than the usual flip we cause them! but learning about God is different from learning lessons on how to strengthen our relationship with him. anyone can learn About God.

ok maybe i should just cut this whole thing. its really not making sense.

this wk is passing really quickly.

sometimes i wonder, the hopes n aspirations tt we all have when we're this age, do we actually live them out in e end, and do things differently, or do we just go thru education, which mellows us down, and then after uni, we go off to work, clean forgetting abt the many things we once wanted to do- mission trips, adventure , play n play. n be tt carefree..

maybe once upon a time, our parents did think of wanting to be a lil more exciting than they are now. they wanted sth more to life than their daily jobs. tt monotonous life. the one where u go to work in the morning n return in the evening, have ur dinner, watch a lil tv n then slp. and over e weekends, u just do mundane things. most of our parents todae are living such lives. the office job. n yet when i ask around my frens, we all want sth different outta life, we dont want office jobs. we want to make a difference,to care, experience new things and be 'living life to e fullest' . then why, on the other hand, are all our parents leading tt life we do not want in future.

its either, we're some kinda new generation who dare to think and venture out, or, we just lose it along the wae. or worse, they are tied down by us, family commitments and car loans and housing instalments and insurance to pay for.


another thing, ive witnessed at dance, quite funny is that,

steps changed in e tr's frustration were always because i was part of it. take example, the beginning of the dance w vivien and me. haha on tue he got so angry, he told qiu yong to take my place n me to go to e lil corner n do her part.

and my other part w wanyu, was changed because we didnt do it well enough.

why u may ask, its all cos of me. hahahha. really.

because im not dancing well enough, im not giving enough im showing tt sulky face and im being indifferent.

and swee asked me, why cant you just dance..why do u let some other fella take ur place?


me? i dunno. i dont feel like it at all! im living in my own world everytime im at dance. i dream n dream, look out e window at e boys playing soccer,as if im interested in everyone of them

why am i sucha cow?!?!!!

tmr i have dance again. what if..he really cant stand me and just puts me outta e dance.

its just amazing how, first impressions count n yet not count,

who wouldve thot, tt the j1 in red and black who walked into the dance studio quite enthu, so promising cos she has extra dance background, would degenerate to sucha slum?

i look worse than all of them now!

why cant i just dance and do whats expected of me?
because dancing has to come from e heart, and when its not, u cant force it out?
maybe.

but what abt dedication, responsibility n discipline? which is wad a dancer shld be made of? tt i cant ans. im sorry.

n then i thot, abt how he controls everything at dance, and he's paid to..

and then..why do i have to subject myself to tt dance instructor? he gets e money, and we're under him. he has liberty over us. if he gets really mad, he can decide to pull me out. i dont like e idea of me n all of us being a puppet under him. its really like u just stand there n wait for him to instruct u to ur position.

*im not making any point. i just.. wanna rant.

im just slipping awae from dance. its like, i know if i continue i will lose everything n yet i dont seem to care at all. i really as simply, just readily, stood to one side and watched qiu yong dance my steps. i know i cldve done it better, im capable of tt, but no. i slip.i let it slip really.

am i just being very prideful here or what? (because e limelight is no longer on me)

i dunno who's gonna read all these. people unexpected and all.

am i subconsciously saying all these, cos im angry n hurt at myself? or what? or have i gotten numb n rebellious?
because,if u ask me to turn back the clock n dance properly to save e state im in now, i wont. its not tt i angrilly wont. i wont..i sae it with a resigned tone. i wont because im too weak too..dancing all those big stuff takes too much energy from me. n im nt willing to give it, to let myself suffer for it.

and yet its different. cos at ballet, we suffer on pointe. we suffer in all those leg extensions n rise on demi, and yet at the end of it, i'll be proud of myself, i'll feel happy at subjecting myself to tt pain.maybe not proud but really happy.

but with dance, its just like, i lose my energy,i pant, but its not worth it. cos maybe my heart is not there. im not willing to give my energy over to e dance because..because..[help me find a reason here]

the fact tt im always talking abt dance, does it signify tt maybe i do care a lil? but no is what i'll tell u, no. i dont. all this tone is really not in anger. its in quiet resignation. like im too tired to care or do anything. and yet tt tiredness wasnt because of dance. its not as if im disappointed in it.


i guess it just wasnt there from the start.

and i noticed that vivien looks at me with this certain look in her eye. its a look of disappointment,maybe, or maybe pissed. cos i wont dance and am making him angry n giving everyone a hard time.

but everytime i see her look, e msg sent to my head is 'why? why are u doing this as a dancer? why are u betraying what we are supposed to do always w all passion and zeal?'

what do you want me to say in reply?

the persona that i am in school and everywhere else, will not match to what i am at dance. i am a split person at dance. i dont even know myself there.

maybe once again, im over doing things making it seem so bad esp since its this early in e morning, but i dread it so so much.. so so much..so so much..

and then there's this other part of me which thinks, that it doesnt matter where you are put, cos as long as you're on stage, you have a chance to shine. even if i stand right at the back, in tt tiny corner, same row as the j1's.

but if i dance on the real dae at kallang theatre, wouldnt i shine out from behind?? because of 'dance quality' because of tt smile?

but i can hear u sae to me im dreaming. because all they'll prolly notice from the back is that there's this fat girl trying to ....break the stage?

charlene said a lil' prayer for you at 1:54 AM