Wednesday, February 16, 2005
hey hey..midweek wednesday! and valentines day on mondae was over. haish i got a lil too disillusioned.
you see, on sundae, uncle emanuel decided to give us a 'special val day treat' by leading us in an in depth study of corinthians 13. yes yes the love chpt. so love does not envy, is not puffed up is patient is kind, seeks not its own, hopes, endures and believes all things yada yada. haha this is just random order.
and yea so i got the impression that love in the sense of the world is just all about lust and sex and superficialities. and true love is like sacrifice and all that eg: what jesus did for us. in short, its not easy, and its gonna cause you pain so like.. people who love truely just subject themselves to a hard time.
yea. tt's v pessimistic on the whole. i dunno blame it on untopian lit or sth. my whole class after chatting around we're all in this cynical kinda mode.
so i was really unhyped out abt v.day, thinking tt it's sucha worldly affair,thus not thinking anything abt it[look i think abt it halfwae then decide to stop]. . but come mondae, i was surprised. there was really 'love in the air'. hahah. people were giving lil things..and i felt a lil bad to a certain extent cos i didnt have anything for anyone, not even my close buddies. cos i thot it was a normal sch dae unlike funfair last yr so people will be a lil more dead. i was wrong.
and i guess, well, maybe when talking abt love we dont have to get all serious and solemn. i guess there's always that floaty feeling in it. (like haha who am i to talk abt love here?) ah but then again maybe tt's just infatuation im talking abt. so heh. i guess true love is really the 'suffering' kind. but i dunno..being too technical abt it just spoils the whole thing..or so they call the magic of it.. :/ [oh yuck! im talking crap]
am i contradicting myself?
haha. then i was listening to the radio todae, falling asleep and i heard this song ( as always, its a guy singing abt his girl) and the lyrics had things to do like faith..and salvation?! sth like how he's having faith in things now cos of her and how she's brought him salvation- in what, i dunno.. it's silly. and yes its as if or rather, it is, that he's idolising the girl! gosh.
they've got their thinking all upside down.
and about this week, it started well on mondae. and then went haywire on tuesdae. in short, ive been eating loads, and not exercising and lost all zeal to do work. i got scolding twice todae by razal and mandy. and ive got a human geog test tmr, which everyone has already taken and to hand in overdue phy geog drq which everyone has handed up theirs already.
BUt i am in no mood for those. i just come home and lose it. i cant be bothered. and its as if i dont care where im sliding [into the pits]
and yet i know its wrong cos im not doing my duty as a student. but im feeling numb to it all. maybe i just need exercise. i binged 2 nights awae now. and im close to kicking myself. i will go run tomorrow. with sweeling.
its 12.08 now. and my work is zilch. am i supposed to do it after i logg off? will i?
it looks as if my actions speak tt i dont even realise im gonna take the stupid A's at the end of this yr. my work is really in shambles. and then im indifferent to it all. which keeps me from going into depression and yet allows me to ride on that highwae to destruction
hai. as i write all these. there's so many random thots popping up in my head eg: w God we are not to be depressed, as a student i should do my part for God, not man and im not even supposed to be like tt in the first place cos its a bad testimony.
and on top of it all i know God will help me out of it, but then He only helps those who help themselves.
which i am not. so i dont blame Him. and i know e wae out and he's offering his hand but im being a cow [of bashan?!] hahhaa
charlene said a lil' prayer for you at 11:50 PM
