Wednesday, December 22, 2004
' No greater love, had any man,
than He who gave his life, for a friend
So did Jesus give up His life for us so that we might have life without end
Love came down to change our lives that Christmas,
Love came down to wash our sins away
Love came down with healing power to save us
It was love that came down on Christmas day.'
:)
what im gonna say next will be dark and morbid. but i wanna get it out. i wanna voice it out i wanna think and let my thots run.
oh yes, dont forget, im still in pms mood. its really not nice at all to have myself being so down and out but well, maybe i'll think deeper and reflect more. everything happens for a good reason anywae :)
here goes:
'i'm sorry i made you angry. im not sorry for the fact i havent been going and not doing things properly. i know i should be sorry for that too, but that's not getting to me. you hung up on me. one thing i cant stand is people hanging up on me. that was very rude of you. what more if you are a teacher? man. you need God in your life (not for anything or cos of that, but its good anywae) you were screaming on the phone. what's more, you were on loudspeaker mode. haha that would be quite embaressing for you to know eh? but never mind. you won't :)
Then i remembered, as i thot things through on the way home. the echo of aunty jess's voice resounded ( correct word?) in my head. ' shout only when you praise God' she was telling the children on a thursday morning. well, i guess that is so true. for me, i guess i want to commit myself never to raise my voice when im angry. i will want to reason out and stay calm instead of flaring up (urm, family members, tt's harder for me to do k:P) only when you praise God, then are you eligible to shout (not a law or anything, but why would u wanna shout at anyone for? we're all humans) and as we were discussing, (thanks fellas who were there) we were joking about telling her ' well, im going to heaven, you're not' hahah. on the surface it is funny. but its really actually very proud and we shouldnt be like that. and then yep, no matter what happens, i guess i shouldnt fear or care. i have Jesus and that's all that matters. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God' 'Delight yourself in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart' :) so long as we walk right with God, and He's pleased with us, His will for us will always prevail no matter what other obstacles. He's God man!
ok im sorry i've a problem.
after her screaming session of 20 min(thanks matt for ur phone n talk time!) and she repeated everything almost thrice ( tt's y so long) and me going..'i know..i know..aiyah how? i know, i know' (irritating i know, which explains why she got madder :/ )
ok here i must remember to tell you all how come she hung up on me. after all the shouting and a lil silence, i said..'ms lee...' 'yes' (she thot i was gonna sae sorrie and decide to come or sth) 'urm..i'm using handphone. i cannot talk too long..' 'then you go!' dooootd.. haha i know, im a clown :P
i felt liberated and happy for the next hour or so i spent having dinner with chris and all. i felt liberated. it felt good. anywae, when she was shouting at me on the phone, i was smiling on the other end and making monkey faces. i am insensitive. i dont know why. it didnt get to me. her anguish and my irresponsibility. i didnt care. then i realised. maybe, its cos i had no respect for dance or her. and i had no feelings for it. i realised, if you had feelings for something/someone, you would feel super hurt when you get chided. why did i feel so bad when ms ong didnt even shout at me, but just casually said sth a LITTLE negative? ok maybe we can add in the u.d(uncle david) scenario here too. need i say more.
maybe im just being plain childish, or psychotic or sadistic or insensitive, cold hearted.
but i did feel all that.
she said, "think about it tonight but you will have to suffer the consequences of it"
of course by then i know my miserable post was at stake la! the post of assistant treasurer . so today i simply went down at 8 plus and handed the negatives along with welcome tea proposal into her pigeon hole. i didnt wanna see anyone. i made a quick exit out of school after that.
as i was on the bus home, i was still thinking. then i realised another thing. why i felt so liberated and empowered after she got mad at me. i realised, 'what's the meaning in it all?' i felt a sense of power, i could actually anger her. and she fell for it. its so easy to make someone angry. really. example, haha. sorry lydia, but if i were to cancel plans you'd get pissed. haha josh, you too. so it's like. if i ever get super evil and sadistic and i wanna see you guys pissed(for wadever mad reason), all i have to do is make plans, then cancel off at the last moment and whoala! we have a storm!!
yea. but its rather scary. i may just be psychotic. im shocked with myself i can even think this way. its super super super evil and wicked. which i am(ouch!)
i felt free after she scolded me.
on my way home, i got a msg from her ' Since you are not doing your duties, your post of assistant treasurer will be terminated'
i normally think a lot when i send back replies to such negative repartees( you cant call it a conversation) But i didint wanna restrain myself. i was thinking, i wanna say just say. dont think so hard. no one thinks so hard about things ok. they say what they wanna say. that's why they're all happier than you and get over things.
i replied ' please rephrase. i sent the negatives down and the proposal. if i didnt care. i would have done none of those'
haha. no reply!
then i went really crazy.
'just plase, acknowlege the fact that i did do my duties. maybe just not up to expectations. im useless im sorry. anywae, i wont feel bitter about it. i really love the christmas season and what im doing at church. wad wld make me truely happy is for you to receive God's love and Christ in your life. it's the greatest gift! :) '
still no reply. i dont expect one. and, its really rude not to reply. no matter how pissed. at least msg me ' i will not reply you anymore' so i will know mah! quote lydia, 'basic courtesy please,anyone?'
part of me really hopes God will work in His wondrous ways. maybe she'll book herself into some church service and watch the concert and come to Christ. haha. adverts: Bethany's having their concert these 2 nights(22/23 dec) 8pm. 301 upper paya lebar rd. new life's is on the 24th, 8 pm. 10 marsiling lane.
ok but on the other hand, such a msg coming from an idiot who didnt do her duties, and the next thing you know, sprout such 'holier than thou' msges, she may just hate christianity to the core. then i kena indirectly make one person go to hell. ok make tt two cos she has a husband.
ok alright. but then again, if its God's will really for her to become a christian, she will in due time, maybe 10 years later or sth.
i mean, my kena cancelled out of comitte may just be a blessing in dusguise for her!
i really pray it may have some effect on her. Good of course!
[edit]
ok la, keng chin does have courtesy. she msg and reply me only at 11 plus. no, it wasn't the 'fall on your knees, and hear the angel voices' kinda mood. oh yes i must add, that yesterdae, they said that while i was talking to her we should play 'fall on your knees' by vienna boys choir on chris's laptop for dramatic effects. haha.
ok so anywae, ahem.
she said 'by not coming todae, you have shown where your priorities are. there has already been a lot of delay in the work and now others have to do the job for you. don't you think its unfair for them?'
and cos i was trying to sleep, 'yes, thank them for me.'
reply:' it was a difficult decision. but its not fair to the rest of the girls'
me: 'yes i understand..'
reply: 'you will still remain as one of our lead dancer. when school reopens please buck up. practice is on tuesdae and friday. please do not make any arrangements for enrichment activities.'
me:' yup, but enrichment activities are not planned by me. i am merely obliged to go for everything. we're all slaves to our own scheduals anyway..'
ok then she said some other thing, of feigned concern
and i said ' ok im busy, bye.'
then no reply!
hahaha!
eh but seriously they drag the work not my fault! i was in thailand! and then my not coming yesterday and day before was cos i had dental appt and church duties. not as if i irresponsible. and and, she say she let me go on tues i should be fair to her and go on wed for dance. BUT christmas is on Friday! and the event's on Thursday! when is syf? april next year. man. i can go cut my hair and by then it'll also grow back (tt's wad i wanna do also. i want SHORT hair!)
haha. then she got nothing to say then she start all over again on how everything delay blah blah.
PLUS. i took the trouble to send things down early this morning. that's priorities too ok. you said its not the dance. on tt, i can catch up. u wanted your things. i delivered. why u still kick me out? i woke up dead early. and transport need money ok!
[/edit]
hahaha now everyone will know im a spoilt brat (:
charlene said a lil' prayer for you at 9:31 AM
