Wednesday, October 20, 2004
yes, i wanna/need to blog again.once again, its in front of the com, doing pw. just that maybe im in a much better mood tonight, thank God :) i was feeling like a total despair case earlier .. it was horrible.
hmm, i was late for school todae. i think its very cool! hahhaa.ive perfected the skill. :)
been eating loads of chocolates too. todae, 40 grams on timeout in sch and a piece of kinder bueno.yesterdae, hmm...60 g of choc? ahh.
and todae was dad's birthdae. there was durian cake and choc cake at the restaurant. i like birthdaes cos of the cakes. :)
uncle david and his fren clement?! is back from the states. havent seen uncle david in urm..3 years. sigh everyone's changed. least im aware i have. one thing hasnt though.
and im not very proud of the fact that i cant let go, or rather, y i still stupidly remember. i forget alot alot of things everyday. i forget a million things with every passing second. but somehow, i never forget one.
its just that in p6, yea i was 12. we went to thailand ,phuket together on a family holidae trip after the dreaded psle. please, tt is all so mickey mouse now. but anywae, i was looking forward to the trip. i mean being small and stupid i loved holidays at any chance. yea so we packed off into a plane and flew there, ate alot, toured a lot and then i was just small. i remembered uncle david as one amusing uncle or something. as he was the youngest of all my dad's siblings, guess he was just able to interact best with us , kids.
so i was having fun and all..
then came one morning, i woke up earlier than usual, and went down to the hall area to watch tv with granny and uncle david.i mean they were already busy with their own stuff. ( we booked a bungalow kinda accomodation). then suddenly uncle david turned to me and looked rather serious. i cant remember exactly what was said(thank God for tt, or i'd hurt more) but the gist is this. "You dont care about others, not your granny or your dad or your mum or anyone. all u ever do is want your wae and you only treat your granny, koko, parents as objects to give you your wants and presents. so dont expect us to always continue doing that. cos thats not what your relavtives and folks are there for. not here to serve you''. obviously, i was small then. so i went up to the room, went under the covers and cried . quite badly i remember. i tried to force myself back to sleep. but of course i couldnt. its hard to sleep when you're sobbing. then yea. what happened after is unimportant.
this, happened a whole 5 years ago. a bloody long time. i dont know why its still in my head and affecting me. i have no anger or whatever. i just cant forget. not because i dont want to or what but because it just doesnt fade. certain memories dont fade. unfortunately, sad memories stay along with happy ones. sometimes more in number as compared to happy.
i was 12 at that time. thinking back, i was wondering ,why say sth so harsh to a small under developped 12 yr old? i just cant imagine someone telling tze shuin or grace or debra something like that. i dont know but i guess it did have an impact on me.
at the dinner table, i was already feeling bad enough from the pw meeting with tiong le chin, so i was looking tired and 'stressed'. and i ate quietly, i didnt dare look in his direction, and throughout most part of the dinner, i was thinking back to the incident then and trying my hardest to solidify my swimming thots.
not as if his comments made a big change on me. i only remembered all these again today when i saw him face to face.perhaps if he hadnt been so open as to what he had to say, and just held his tongue for the sake that i was just a spastic 12 yr old niece, and saying that 'wouldnt have gotten to me' anyway,i wont be feeling this way now, i wouldnt feel that gap. i wouldnt have barriers put up and no uncomfy feeling.
because of what he commented about me, i realised or guessed he would be able to comment a second time, or rather, have thots abt me formulated in his mind. so i was trying my best (dunno why) to eat as nicely as possible, and just be this quiet girl (which i so am not) and hope to create the impression of 'oh! she has grown. so lady-like now' ahem! haha. tt of course, if i didnt happen to be using the chopsticks the wrong way. thankful for the article mr poh gave us on chopstick etiquette. one of the few merits of jj.
anyhow, you just become very conscious. you just dont want to risk any potential of negative perceptions about you anymore.
yea. haha. i never knew i remembered this. its bad i know.
this week isnt really a good week. looking at my blank face, dad assumed i was depressed. haha.
i'd rather be in promos. come on! i was so much happier last week.
there's dinner with uncle david and extended family again on thursday. 'sigh' --> is tt what i say or am i supposed to feel happy?
part of me is happy cos well, i mean its always nice to spend time with family members plus he has been awae so long, oh or is it im happy cos' i get to have a free dinner!?' im selfish remember (sorrie. sacarsm not intended).
why is this making me sadder. i had a lousy past ya.
on to good things... you telling me something you were so frustrated about really made me feel happy to know that indeed, you regarded me as a good friend. i myself, wouldnt trust such matters to just anyone, but someone close. im glad i was considered. (:
charlene said a lil' prayer for you at 1:55 AM
