Friday, October 22, 2004


*random again.

its 244 am on a fridae morning. i dunno y i like doing this. staying up for no apparent reason, wasting time and 'killing myself' cos i'll die tmr. cant wake up blah blah.

oh. signs of a troubled spirit again. i am troubled~ all because of dance.

must toughen myself up. always getting so distraught over trivial matters. its spastic! im spastic!

oh did i mention i handed in application form for ogl! whaha. i dunno what to expect. over time, ive learnt not to place an expectation on anything. it just gets you disappointed ultimately. and then i take forever to get over it. and dont call me complacent of 'goaless' cos if i were, i wouldnt even have signed up for it.

i wanna rant again! im pissed about things. shucks!
this is so very unbecoming of me. a chinese teacher would go , -bu3 xian4 yang4-

i like the night air. i'll go stare out of my window later *and hope i dont see anything funny*

ah mun and leelian ponned school todae. only mich and i were in school. hmm. school dae was v long, but it went well. i enjoyed myself :)

ho kong mun asked to see a couple of us todae cos we didnt go for his tutorial on wednesdae. 'charlene, why didn't u come for my tutorial yesterdae?'
me:' oh..i was late. i came late yesterdae, i came at 12.'
hkm:'harh? y so late? do you know the school rules anot?'
me: 'yes i do..i do..'


haha. what else u want me to say. tt lil man was trying to be fierce. i actually looked him in the eye, and he didnt shift his glance. whaha. its quite challenging to keep focus on someone's gaze. after awhile u get conscious u do and u start shifting around. haha. but its quite fun to look people in the eye and watch them shift their gaze all around the world before looking back at you, and realise, yes, youre Still looking at them, right in e eye ;)

i keep hearing this funny sound, i think its the beetle. wahhaa. maybe the beetle family has come to take revenge on me for squashing their beloved mr brown act cute beetle.

boyboy's looking very very cute. walnut bedding has definitely helped him. sis got more confident he wont die anytime soon, so she bought corn cob bedding for him. i hope he lives long enough to finish what's meant for him.

wonder whats on tv now. they show 24 hours a day on 5.

yesterdae, felt so lost in my thots. infact im still feeling lost. like a wandering soul. its just this period of time to be relieved from pw for these two daes and then youre weirdly free, but despite tt, actualli you have a tonne of things to do.

like, prepare for ao chink
read up geog
do econs

yup stuff like tt. hmm. lazybones.

whats nice to write/rant about?

i particularly like the song, o lord,our lord, how exellent your name is'

'O lord, our Lord,how exellent your name in all the earth, your glory fills the heavens beyond the farthest star, how exellent your name in all the earth :), when i think abt e heavens, the sun and moon the stars, i wonder what you ever saw in me. but you took me and you loved me, and you've given me new life , and now i'll praise your name eternally. o lord our lord, how exellent your name is, how exellent your name in all the earth, your glory fills the heavens beyond the farthest star, how exellent your name in all the earth*'

everytime i sing ok, urm think abt e tune in my head, i just feel really good. the lyrics's nice.

argh. cant wait for church camp. i need spiritual revival. i like the time during camps. apart from the spiritual high, but just the whole thing ,every aspect.

superficially, i get to ya know, hang out w chris n everyone else(hmm, actualli my circle of frens is pathethic), also, sometimes messages are a lil bit of a drag but over the years i've gotten used to it and do learn stuff. besides this yr is Tan Eng Boo. he's interesting. his booming voice'll keep ya awake :)

cant wait! i need a break. i wanna get awae from all these. cant breathe! its so stifling!

hmm church camp:) theres gonna be a beach. i get this stupid feeling when i swim there, i'll drown. pure stupid la!

four short days. i dont like the passing of it. like from now, only october to next month, and then the whole thing will be over in 4 days.

hmm, and we're doing kids church this sunday.

hmm, how come no one's asked us to help with the kiddies this yr??

ahh..church camp. chris n i talk so excitedly abt it week after week. i hope we dont get bored of it by the time we're bound to go for it. hah. repetition gets boring.

seriously dunno what im doing here. babbling so senselessly, not caring who reads whatsoever.

its 311 with effect from now.

tomorrow how? sometimes i would love to just retract and forget everything.i like hiding awae and taking as if nothing's happened. i can remain oblivious. as long as im not faced with it, i can shut it out. haha

my philosophy, is :the best would be, if two things dont go, you let go of two and just run somewhere else in another direction and be happy.

tomorrow, i would love to, not go for dance, or tuition, go home after school, and chill in my room. oh i love my room so much. its hard for anyone other than me to understand :))

one more week of school! its gonna be a long week. this week's been so draggy. argh! i hate it. op maddens me.

i think im becoming a mental fella.

i can be happily ranting abt sth but wen e thot of op suddenly looms, i just burst and scream a silas marner wail.and'lose control' gee. sound like the incredible hulk. lamelamelame.

maybe im just staying up to over work myself and get sick or sth. i dunno! i dunno! wo buzhidao!!! like this crazy part of me just wants to go on and on and on... and just see how long i can hold out (frankly not v long. just continue to bear w this schizo).

im talking cock, ya know. sheeesh.

dance...its gonna kill me one dae sometimes too much love for it..just works the other way. more and more these days, i feel its controlling too much. so much like an idol. gotta keep it in check. its robbed me of alot of things. for one, because i dont join the yf, hence the small non-existant social circle. if not for chris n the sistas. n like my whole life is ballet on saturdae nth else. i couldve otherwise done, at the end of e dae, i can only sae.'hehehe! hellow everybody! ive been dancing all my saturdaes awae. what youth fellowship were u talking abt? huh? enrichment course? i dunno leh! go ballet only' -.- spastic la!

of course theres the other side, which goes like, as long as im doing sth i like, it wont matter how much it takes outta me. tt's true too. one can sae its worthed it at the end of it all, and dont matter what u lose, cos you love ballet so much you dont mind the sacrifice. hais. this is really crap already.

really should stop. and this isnt even proper engrish la!

im feeling heaty within my body. get this feeling everytime i stay up. hmm. oh yes im suppsoed to stare outtta the window after this.

ahh eversince i chopped off my hair, i think i like short hair. and then it grew, and now i can tie it up. i wanana cut it even shorter! when its nice and light, and you can feel the wind blow. haha. im turning butch.

ya right.

but i realised i like short hair. im sick of long hair. for the past 6 years? nth but loooooong hair. i want short hair! short! i wanna dock my hair again.

heck syf next year ok? if my hair doesnt grow by then , too bad!

cant i even control my hairstyle?! grrrrrr.

-droopy eyelids-

wonder if sis is still awake.

ive been sitting for far too long. my butt is expanding. like sideways.

ok this whole rant is not in line with what im gonna say next, i dont even sound like it, but i like to ponder once again,

how exellent Your name in all the earth. But you took me and you loved me

ya. God loves me. this ranting fellow here. talking so much rubbish. i feel so sorry that im wasting my life away like that.

argh. its like. yes, on one hand if i put everything in perspective, seeing things the way God does, i'll find joy in everything. But then theres also those horrid human emotions, which always gain upper hand.. then you forget about what Jesus would do.. .

:(

dont you think my latest rant about putting God first place is like so ..discordant?? with whatever i've written, 7/8 of this whole post.

time: 3.37a.m. by the computer.

charlene said a lil' prayer for you at 2:43 AM