Tuesday, September 14, 2004
8.20.havent been doing anything since i came back. tried to sleep at 530. then my phone rang. it was michelle. didnt wanna pick up. and then i tried to sleep some more to no avail. thot it was too hot so i turned on the aircon. afterwhich i thot it;d be better if i went under the sheets. after a lil more tossing and turning i guess afternoon naps have just run away from me so now im incapable of them.
and then thinking i was hungry, i wolfed down 6 vege crackers w honey. more chocs and stuff. and then i know it, im bothered. about something.
maybe its the doubles. i know i said i wont brood anymore. but i even tried to do it once more at home and it turned out fine. i guess i'll blame the rosin sticky floor which i wasnt used to. but that's no excuse. i did pray before the exam and the night before focussing on the Lord, reading verses to calm me down. not just cos my exam was drawing near but its what one should always practise. i did feel encouraged and at peace. i felt confident. with His strength i knew i was capable of all things. and then the day started, i practised a lil more at home, took a shower and left. did gentle stretches and warm ups. did my hair and went in. i prayed again.
but once everything started the physical surroundings just seemed to take control. my muscles hurt and contracted as i worked them. everything was hurting. it was uncomfortable. prayed for strength to go on. eventually i did find it. but it was oh so hard. it was always easier to give in to the agony and relax a little. only to realise that you wobbled or stumbled as a result. before pirouettes i was praying and repeating "Lord help me do this, carry me through" and then i spun. and then stumbled. i guess i didnt have true faith. i doubted. i let my human thinking take control. i guess i wanted it in my hands. but its so hard to rely on God when you're hurting physically. muscle spasms is no joke. i feared the turn and everything just wasnt right. help me to trust fully and believe God.
i know God is able to carry me through but its so hard to put down all my defenses and just believe when you've never been able to do it all along.
secondly, its school. after the holidays, i realised all i wanted to do was to go for ballet and everything else but school. maybe it was an easier way out cos im sick and tired of work. tomorrow, i have to go back to school and face everything without excuses anymore. have to pick myself up and mug at the same time. promos is in 16 days. the chance of me slipping and sliding back into j1 is so real. but if i do so, it would all be wasted. 1 yr of my life, the tuition fees and everything. but so what if i sturuggle through with a mere 2 A and 2 ao? i'll just suffer and die in j2. at the end, fail the A's and then finished. i need God to help me through this. cos i can just go and die on my own. hopeless piece of crap. why must school be so sickening? everytime i venture near the grounds of boonlay i feel sick.
i just want that distinction. if i dont get it, i'll let ms ong down, who had so much trust and faith in me. all's in God's hands. my results were already decided before i went in. if i really end up with commended, i'll learn to be able to accept it. but i dont wanna see disappointment on ms ong's face. if i do get that distinction, it'll be fully God's grace.i'll remember that.
But in everything, there's always much to give thanks for. i Thank God he didnt test entrechacuts cause i wouldnt've been able to do that. i thank God my grand jetes were good, and that i was able to push off the floor for jete ordinaire. i thank God i was able to express myself for second port de bras. that my dance was good and that courus went fine.Thank you Lord that plies was done beautifully and confidently as the first excercise. i thank the Lord that He kept me safe all the way up till the exam and that i didnt suffer any tummyaches or had to go pee halfway during the exam. Thank the Lord that despite the minor aches in my ankles and shins and whatever, he kept it all away during the exam and didnt cause that to affect my work. He healed my injuries in time, nevermind the bruise on my arm :) He carried me through the whole exam and gave me the strength to carry on when i thot my heart was gonna fly out.thank You that my full conteton was good, i felt the splitting effect. Thank You God that ms ong made it in time to do my hair. Thank you God that my group was friendly and not stuck up. ThAnk God for all the support from my family, teacher and friends. Thanks to you all who sent me msges to encourage me and made me smile. Thank yu Father that my pointe shoes didnt die out on me, nor did my soft pointes make too much noise in the exam. Thank you Lord that my mummy's mediocre sewing did not burst due to the heavy stress i inflicted on it.Thank you Lord for sustaining me through the whole exam and watching over me, even though i didnt place full trust in You that you made me stumble that i may realise your grace and mercy.i thank you Lord for this experience. and most of all, i Thank You Lord, for this gift of Dance you've bestowed upon me.that whatever good grade i get, may it glorify your name and reflect your power that all might see the work of Your hand.
and Thank you Lord for the chance at JC education you've given me when i didnt have hope of it after streaming in sec two.Thank you Lord for this priviledge that some might like to have but cant. thank You Lord for blessing me with naturally better grades in certain subjects and helping me get into a JC after a near miss. Thank You Lord for sustaining me so far into the year although i havent been giving my best.i trust that you will help me through the last promotional exam in these 16 days. Father give me your strength and not my own. help me to rely on You God. Sorry for complaining too much and not working hard enough. Father help me to remember no matter how hard and bleak a situation may seem, you are always there right beside me always. "For lo i am with you always".Thank you for the friends i have made that you've given me, to help me along this tedious journey. LAstly, all things work together for good to them that love him. that through this process, in your perfect plan, i may one day see the reasons and that You may use me for Your works."Being confidentof this very thing, that he which has began a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ."Phil 1:6.
Also, i Thank you Lord for mummy, who brought home kinder bueno when i requested for it in my low moods. :) Thank You Lord for the creation of chocolates to make me happy whenever im down. and Thank You lord for you, and Christ to watch over me always.
with such a blessed life. Thank You Lord.
charlene said a lil' prayer for you at 8:18 PM
