Wednesday, June 02, 2004


again, it seems more than a week since i last blogged though it is. hehe. todae is a public holidae! a very nice break from everything horrible.

oh and thanks baowei for reading my blog n e testimonial. haha. but putting tt under testi is abit...funny. oh aniwae, the failing shit. guess what? ive got more bad news to add to my truckload. i failed my math common test, 17.5 upon 500 which is the only failure case and lowest in class. highest was 49. go figure.

so i was scared enuff to go resgister myself back into john chen's math tuition on saturdae and started tuition on sunday.but its a gd thing dont hafta give up choir cos of tuition :) its at 330. but i'll be oh so sleepy. but mebe i wont be able to go for sunset service in future. so now i see some hope :) oh wait, im supposed to go do his hw.

saturdae, there was lit class in e morning and pw meeting. i stupidly left my pw booklet w jane and got so worried after tt cos i thot i lost it and i felt worse than worse cos everything seemed to go down deeper into the drain. (the failing math part was still getting to me)then swee ling my angel msged me in e evening after ballet to tell me jane returned it to her. phew.

met lydia!!!!!! saturdae evening. sooo good to see her again. and yes! im seeing her again tomorrow!! yay! yay! we had dinner and she updated me w a whole lot of stuff. her life is more than interesting. its so nice n wonderful having a fren like her :D

mondae and tues of this week so far has been dedicated to dance cca. i even missed my own ballet class for dance. mondae was agm. and then we each had to give a speech because it was elections. so one by one we went up,then voting. after first round, where u just write down 7 names, not including post, i was pleased to know my name was one of the seven. so i thot yay, got hope. then i got my hopes higher, perhaps too high, as i would've soon found out e following dae. i went home on mondae happy as a rabbit. looking forward to tuesday's results. i dreamed the whole night of what might be, and what i would do. told everyone in my family all about how i had a place in the comittee. i thought at last i was well on my way to achieve something. and not just be a lame bum in cca's tt i join eg:npcc.

i happily went to school earlier than usual on tuesdae morning, taking extra effort to wake up early and not be late. did my warm ups properly and really worked those muscles. during the dance, i was focussed. in chinese, it would be ( quan2 shen1 tou2 ru4) devoting urself entirely. i thought the place of vp if not student instructor/leader was entitled to me. ok call me selfish, but it was what i so wanted. one of the few things in life which i really dared to dream on and commit myself to. besides, the picture looked very promising.

at the end of dance, 1230, results were announced. mdm lee started reading out "president:nana. vp1:vivien. vp2:kai eng. secretary:yee hui .asst secretary:jeannie.(at this point.*urmm okaay, so where do i stand?) treasurer:qiu yiong. asst treasurer:charlene."

WHAT THE?!?!?!i shant use vulgarities here but i was so utterly disappointed.then we met with our seniors and they told us of our various duties. me? i was in charge of getting photos developed. followed by :"dont blur ah! dont blur ah!"
being me, what else would i do? of course i smiled sweetly as usual. probably adding a tinge of feigned happiness. perhaps to the point of looking like a retard.i should've said: "so u think im blur?" and see their reactions. if i seem blur to you, then WHY did u even give me that post? or was it cos all the other posts seemed too high for me that u saw me fit to be in charge of photos, and even so, doubt me on tt job?

as planning was going on, i sat quietly thinking to myself, trying to contribute here and there to ideas so that they wouldnt suspect anything.

then alicia blurted out to vivien, "hey, we fought very hard for your post ok!" then seeing i was there, said weakly to me"and yours too" YEA RIGHT! like, u fought very hard for my case, and later realised i wasnt fit or good enuff to do anything and since my stupid name just happened to be in e comittee, u guys had to push me somewhere so yay! i get the post of asst treasurer.

i didnt understand, i couldnt. i remember clearly stating that the preferred post i would like if given any, wld be vp if not secretary. i was sure the tr's and seniors at least were aware of that. unless, i proved to be unpopular among the j1's and they didnt know where to put my name hence the last on the list.

nana is president. she said she'd like to be vp. vivien is vp. she said she'd like tt job. kai eng is vp. she said she'd like to be president. i am asst treasurer. i said i'd like to be vp/secretary. my purpose? so that with my dance background i would be able to help the rest, spot mistakes faster and teach the correct technique.

i guess u get the picture. of the four of us who wanted near presidential post, I WAS KICKED OUT OF IT.to make matters worse, and thrown to the LAST post of the commitee. the most insignificant one.

right charlene. what were u thinking?! and u thot u would have the chance to be able to lead and instruct. you thot u would be able to achieve something to prove to yourself that u were worth something. you thot, this being the dance field, finally you would be able to be seen with some form of superiority. no. not that she was asking for that. but she just wanted to be seen with more significance.since that was what she thought was her niche.

oh well well, and need we tell dear char that it was all THOUGHT? perception? and not reality. she was merely DAYDREAMING.

thus for what she feels now, she has only herself to blame for being so pompous.

but was it wrong for me to want to try acheive sth? vp was all i was asking for.

ambitious it was, but at least finally she was confident of herself to do something so important.

sorrie if im looking like some sensitive brat here,who thot too highly of myself this time, but it affected me quite badly. infact i was shocked myself.

i actually wept again. like at least three times yesterdae. it was something which meant so much to me, that i thot i wld get it. maybe if i were secretary, i'd grace tt position willingly. but to mention u wanted tt post and get shit in return. what does it mean?

im very sure e seniors and tr's are aware of this outcome. or maybe. its too insignificant, they dont even notice.

and then i blame myself for not putting my name under vp if i wanted tt post so badly. instead, i voted for kai eng, who is now vp. i contributed to her becoming vp. ok i shall not be bitter w her cos i know its wrong. im just really disappointed ok.

after all, "i would respect the votes and trust that the outcome would be of benefit to the dance club"

i pray i would.

fridae, is back to dance. and this time, ive lost half my drive to go back. i dont want to be reminded of my lousy post. i just want to go back to ballet. of which ive been missing so much, ms ong may be pissed with me.

sometimes, what u sacrifice isnt worth it afterall. i should always go for what means more to me no matter what, even if it means being selfish.

not what God teaches, but to protect myself,i'd rather do. just give me some time to sort things out.

ultimately, seek what God's plan is for me.

but at the moment, human emotions have taken the better of me. just let it simmer down.

God, i pray u take control.teach me to surrender to your plans and go your way instead of mine. you know what's best, even in the face of all this.amen.


*indulging in large chunks of chocolate to relieve the pain and numb the broken spirit.

charlene said a lil' prayer for you at 8:24 PM