Monday, April 12, 2004
grrr, i cant help that angsty entries are becoming more frequent here, and theyre only spaced out by one or two blog entries on a lighter note before they sink back into down n out mode.
shit!
and the marvellous thing is that it always happens late at night, at unearthly hours, ie: now and almost always on e eve of the starting week. why why why???
yes yes, i think too too much again, but i cant help it can i? the thots just come into my head!
i just happen to get this very scared feeling, although God hasnt given us a spirit of fear, its always so easy to fall into fear. then i wonder, if its so easy to churn out such God-ward looking entries, how much of it is actually real real?
its either, 1, i feel all guilted that im actually so horrible a pig, or 2 i start to doubt others on how can it be?
now this time its harder than the last to bring out what i mean to say. cant focus.
aiyoh!
its as if in the night im in another dimension, when morning breaks tomorrow, i'll just rush off to school and forget all about tonight,which would be better cos it'll spare me the mental torment. but what im thinking about now is very impt i shouldnt just shush it out like tt cos eventually it will get me and then i'll just crumble and die. *and why do i suddenly sound as if im a schizo?
and i bet my sis will think im going thru some major crisis. nope its no longer on the last topic. i guess now its on what u thot it was..the topic of faith. just so many questions and doubts get to me.
and then thinking about what u said this afternoon and what i just read again tonight and all the in betweens, i cant seem to get things to gel together.
i get the feeling that im in major trouble, that what i always thought or trained to think has been e wrong wrong idea all along. yea. i know i said this the last time. just that the same point is applying itself on a diff topic. argh shit!
and also, it seems that im forever grumpy on easter. at least, its been this way for 2 years. i thot things wld be better this yr, cos i didnt have much trouble waking up, but i fell asleep in the chair during morning service.after that, things just went downhill. i even developed a slight fever later in the afternoon.
i dread tomorrow, cos there's math and i haven completed the darn assignment. the only thing which makes me feel a little better is that there's no ballet tomorrow, i get to rest. and we end at 140 tomorrow. the earliest my timetable for the rest of e year wld let me off at. so tomorrow shouldnt be that bad if not for math. the unfortunate thing is there is. everyday infact. im gonna dread e rest of my days so long as math is in my life. oh and we're not even on the topic of chinese yet. cos ive still been ponning.
i need sleep and i should go pray. sorrie to waste your time. maybe it's cos i haven't been reading the bible. : X
charlene said a lil' prayer for you at 1:25 AM
