Wednesday, February 18, 2004
my cca's are becoming to be a total disappointment! i dont wanna say it blatantly that i hate dance and english society after many weeks of trying to convince myself. grrr..
let's talk dance first. well, for one, the room looks terrible. no doubt it has a full wall of mirrors and proper dance space, its has NO aircon. its stuffy and i dont like the environment there. ive been waiting the past two weeks for the other people who learn ballet to get back to chat w them. not tt i wanna form cliques or wad. but aiyoh dunno la. i feel so alone and stupid. they were busy with ogl meetings. how i so wished i at least applied for the post. gaaah!
and we only have EIGHt seniors! that's pathethic!the size itself doesnt suggest a very strong dance core. sth must be wrong with the cca. and ok..not tt im being judegemental. as much as i dont look like a dancer myself, well the seniors dont either. theyre not skinny and ..they just dont look like typical dancers. eg- me. and i dont like seeing a reflection of me. its ok if im being the sole horrible dancer in e dance room, at least ive got good pple around me to admire and learn from. here in JJ dance, its like...they're all LIKE me. as in..no dance figure. looking undancerlike..and everything which doesnt suggest a dancer. ok..i dunno wad im crapping here about. but its just not NICe being in dance ok! the stupid gay didnt even come todae. so there's prac on saturdae at 930. crap. i dont wanna dance if dancing means this. screw it!
i know! if i love dance i shouldnt be selective. but ok..at least making myself go every week in hope tt i'll gain sth fulfilling has been my driving force. and im sure that shows a little hint tt i love dance. and mind you, my spirits are down again after dance cos...yes. im again reminded of the hard unspoken fact that it sucks.
if im gonna stay in JJ how am i gonna cope in tt dance shack? its terrible!
on to english society. i tot of giving it a total miss todae in view tt i prefer dance more (more of my own account) and as usual hope to see some better improvements. alas! i was just DREAMING again. so..dance ended like..shortly after it started cos the gay wasnt around. and everyone was slack. we went thru last weeks dance but tt was ALL. i didnt even have the mood to DO anything! so after tt i went to lt 1 for eng soc. and what did i see? almost the same scene at dance. just tt this time, the people were NOT even trying to DO anything. everyone was leaving..i was like..whatthehell..?! its really ultra pissing. so tt was my cca day for me.
and then i went to watch the ogl's practice for the dance. it just made me feel worse. especially with constant sms-es from joshua asking ME about sheryl. like...how the hell would i know?! im not close to her! and u should GO find out urself if u really well..wanna get to know her! ok..now i know its not exactly a very fun job being the middleman. introducing the two together.
he tells me that she doesnt reply his msges and she tells me she's too lazy to reply to his. and then after tt, i gotta entertain his msges abt she not replying. and then u know i just sae the same old things of...it takes time..blah blah. when i KNOW the real reason. gaaah! todae was a bad dae. i was feeling bad enuff. being shitted out by two cca's. seeing the ogl's dance so happily while being bombarded with sms-es i really could do better without.
why does life suck so muchly?
and i was watching him dance and he wasnt impressive at all. ok. he WAs cute and funny but i dont know. guess he's not one i would wanna get to know really well. aiyah wadever la. i dont even know him for one! why bother.
i guess funny and funny doesnt go. and im not funny anymore. if it even used to make life more bearable. i havent found my funny spot in jj. so im still pretty serious. and then it sucks cos it doesnt seem to appeal to people. i feel LEFT OUT sometimes. if not most times. i try to pretend that its all my imagination but i know clear well that its NOT.
whole class was scolded today for not doing geog tutorial. then mandy walked outta the class. and then we had a free period! haha. it felt good ---kinda, to be scolded by tr's. as in..i dunno. its just...funny.
argh. tomorrow...what to look forward for? nothing. everyone's busy with ogl stuff.
and i suck at captain's ball.
fridae got work due. lit and dunno wad.
tomorrow got extra geog tutorial cos of todae and on fridae we have lit. all of which not done.
i guess the only thing to look forward to is that the week is finally ending.
but what fun is it? when u go for ballet on saturdae to be tortured more. and there's this stupid chinese singing shit coming to sch tt morning. id also be better off w/o their crooning.
and then sundae...let's just hope it gets better somehow cos sundae's the Lord's day.
but other than that. the weekend will just slip by boringly and then its the new week.-theweek in which our O levels results will be released.
charlene said a lil' prayer for you at 8:53 PM
