Tuesday, October 21, 2003
O's will be over in 31 days. which means my last paper is a month from now. i can't believe time flies. the weeks just passed and passed and passed!
and i, on the other hand just watched them slip and slip and slip. what is this?!
so anyway, i really think at this point of time, i can say a sweet goodbye to my dream. though i'll still work. and if i ever want to make a difference in two weeks, that means working like i never have before!
Right now, there are two paths in front of me. on the day i collect the results, i'll open it to see a wonderful number and then feel the sheer imense joy, which i never felt before, or just stick to louya jj or something and just feel ok after a while but never getting to taste the feeling of sucess. too many times, the latter has happened and im really really doubting what makes me think that just this time, all will change. on what basis? nothing.
i was thinking , its so amazing how God already knows the outcome of all things, including the outcome of the dratty results. and then it dawns upon me that, yes, maybe then i can stop worrying so much cos God is there to provide all the comfort, strength and help that i would need. yes, that really comforts me, but still, i cant let go of it.
i often think how on earth am i supposed to get all my grades up.i even stayed up late and couldn't sleep. condsidering that i still dont know anything for science, both physics and chem. and my math! oh math!! i still encounter tonnes of problems.well, english is realy unstable. i often feel that all e (good) scores tt i happen to get, is not me, but rather God's grace. ok. right. i know EVERYThing is by his grace but in my case, its on the level of miracles. i dont know if i'll be able to perform that again and most of it depends on the topic also. cos im clueless to most. lit is hanging on that same line too. and my poa? HAHA its just dead and buried already. everything's shit. my science is the worst of the lot. maybe math too. well. e both of them actually.
And it also doesn't help that people around you just don't seem to encourage you on. maybe because i dont voice it out. but they're not making things easier either.or maybe it's just me and my way of thinking. there's always two ways to look at things. but try as i might to think the other way, the real fact,or rather, the more likely one just screams out at you and you can't ignore it. like i go "oh well that's encouragement in its way" and then there's this echo which goes " no you stupid! it's sacarsm!!" and yes, i shouldn't think what people care or want to think, but we all have to agree that it affects.
it's me against myself, trying to break the almost unreachable records. and the fact for the word
almost is supposed to signify a slightly positive mood.
so i shouldn't let external factors bother me. well, as easy as it may seem, it isnt. trust me on that. shucks.
alritey. shall go take a shower and start work.
all im asking for is a miracle.
i hate feeling down.
oh nvm. it'll all be over in a month. and that's 21 nov. 12 days to O's and 19 days of exam period.
charlene said a lil' prayer for you at 10:22 PM
