Wednesday, October 15, 2003


I'm feeling real scared. I cant remember what I put for chem prac! I know it's all over but, the worse is, never knowing how I fared, like, I'll never know the mark I get. And hai..15 marks!! The whole thing is worth fifteen marks of the total mark grade!

These few days really haven't been good. I tried to mug. But I realized, even if I did, the amount of time and effort spent on mugging will never be enough to pull me into SA. Perhaps the dream is too distant, and the exams are too near.

even whilst I mug, I just keep thinking, I'll never be able to make it. infact, with studying,it's just more scary cause you become more aware of what you know. And unfortunately in my case, the ratio of me knowing things to being totally blur is like 1:5! How marvelous.

maybe the only reason I'm mugging now, with SA in mind is just to secure a place in at least JJC, cos really, my chances of having my ass remain in a classroom at JJ and not flung out into the garbage house is really low. Given my standards now.

I don't know how much two weeks can change the fact that I'm so dead, but at least its worth trying, then when the results are out, and I don't make it, I can be thankful that at least IM not in ite. If I do, then I can be thankful that I did put in the effort. And if, by the grace of God and some really wonderful miracle,that I end up in SA ( I'm still hopelessly hoping)-oxymoron- then I'll be really and grateful to God for his mercies and greatness. But above all, no matter what I'll still be thankful.

I mean I really don't see a reason in why I should be in SA.like I know I'd fit perfectly well in JJ or so I think. As in in SA, where people come herding in with their cliques it'll be hard to try fit in. And then there will be all that girls' school accented people who will just piss the hell outta me. And if that's the case, the only reason I see myself going there by the grace of God, is cos he wants me to study Divinity and be useful to him some time in later life. If it'll be of any help. That's what I think la.

And my mum just stuffed a cup full of alphapha down my throat claiming, "drink it up, it tastes like water"

charlene said a lil' prayer for you at 10:46 PM