Monday, August 11, 2003
my dizziness isnt getting better. i was till feeling it thru out the day todae. geog lesson after school ended by three todae, so i was pleased to be able to reach home early todae. but unfortunately, i slept till 7. too too tired. sigh.
i tried to finally do a poa qtn just now. don't think its correct shall check with sok yee tomorrow. hmmm... i can't stand it. i think im on the verge of breaking down into tears for stupid poa. and science is another freaking problem. i don't know if i should sae this but..oh..well.. im geting freaked that others are doing better than me now and its getting me freaked cos i really don't know where's my standing position now.
im also not sure if i was as concerned in the past. maybe i wasnt so affected last time, not cos i was doing well, but rather cos results didnt matter so much to me then. it was just more of getting by with a considerable pass and be happy. but now, it's like every little test or whatever and i care so much about marks. it seems that ive suddenly become obsessed or sth. because, really marks shouldnt be our only goal and aim. life is not all about academics, cos what's e use of having n making the grades if your personailty sucks or whatever. sis keeps saying im having totally off urm.. thinkings n mindsets about things. i think that too. but i don't know how to change it, cos at present, it has become a way in how i think and approach things. i hate this being overly concerned about how i fare or how others fare.
in the past, i never seemed to bother me. i think it was partly sometime last year when lydia said sth like she never did better than me and now she was. and i was slacking. maybe it was then that i came into realisation of such a thing. perhaps i wasnt so aware of that fact then. and now that i am, it somehows has stuck to me to make it a point to some how beat her in subjects i can or usually do better in. i don't like this idea of competition myself. but it seems to have stuck to me. i think there's some kind of silent competition between us. this constant awareness of who does better and what not just puts me off balance or however i should put it.
i try to tell myself that the most important thing really, is to keep looking up to God, but it's so hard to totally focus cos im often led astray and then i slide. my sis once told me, i shouldnt zai4 hu1 so much about results cos she felt that all her achievements were really nothing and she didnt know how she did it also. she told me about dori once, that it didnt matter whether she was doing well or not. her focus was on winning her frens over for Christ. and by doing that, her life was much more fulfilling and worthwhile.
the stuff i achieve now, only matter in context of todae. ten years later. it wouldnt matter, any of it animore. i mean my dance would be long forgotten by then and i would have a totally new focus. so i shouldnt be so overly concerned about affairs now NOW. but then again, what happens in the future to come is based on what happens now. so each part of our education/life does build up to what we become next time...
so i really hate all that ive been saying. cos maybe i really havent made sense.
but im saying. i really hate myself for being so obsessed w results.
how then do i tell myself it's not EVERYTHING
perhaps cos of this worry and fear that im also breaking down. and if the cause is really this, it's really unnecessary.
charlene said a lil' prayer for you at 11:07 PM
